day 252

You will always feel an array of welcomes from a crowd of poets.
This is the beauty of our art. We live poetry like a sport, but never forget about good sportsmanship. We are the people you should want to be.
Don't understand why people stereotype us as dark
depressed
Don't understand we are story tellers
Not going to apologize for being truthful
The tears you see are tears you can learn from
Build a canoe of words and conquer your fears
a little grime never hurt

day 251

I am never sure of how asleep you are
if you are just feeling like falling
because its late and you're tired of being up
playing soft snores and ear drum whispers. that is a lovers lullaby
and you sing it so well

day 250

wearily talking about attackers
on fifty different planes
where is your safety today
I will pin you two on two
one for your beloved and three for your children
who will never hear your sorrows and your song cries
this is your bittersweet punishment.

you throw away your troubles
trade it in for a baby or five
one for each aisle
one for each aisle.

day 249

#481 Over 50 percent of your body heat is lost through your neck and head.

I am gently holding on to all the warmth I’ll ever need with my bare fingertips.

A love lost can force me to lose my sanity, but never my sincerity. Leave me wandering in haunted Artic caves. I can make a home out of anywhere.

#13 Cats have over 100 vocal chords.

I find no problem in expressing who the fuck I am. To the girl who often leaves to get lost, you have a song cry for every crime you could commit. Sing freely. You will find your voice when you free the flying burdens in your bird cage.

#77 No piece of paper can be folded more then 7 times.

This is the 7^th year anniversary of my rape.

I’ve grown a big ego holding such a secret from people who don’t care. Sound proof basements replay the 100 vocal chords of freedom I should have sung too many times. You will never be able to own me, to fold me in books of women you have won. I will never be someone’s origami crane.

#192 Jupiter spins so fast that there is a new sunrise nearly every ten hours.

My mother calls me Mars. I believe she wants me to grow into something more colossal. But I am a new planet every day. I create song bird harmonies with every 9 lives I lose. This is not called rebirth. It is more like being alive, living, and letting the warmth heat up the sun. I am Light. You are bonfire origami cranes during the 7th month of the year. I have made a home out of this ash.

day 248

sitting in my car at 11 pm
a Tuesday night

I've grown accustomed to not sleeping early now. my mind is always racing and my feet somehow always want to drag myself back

to you.
and I still feel so horrible when I think about you and the girls you've loved
and learned to love who loved to leave and left you for boys who could obviously learn how to love them correctly.

2. sometimes I feel like holding this piece of me to myself makes it seem like I'm holding a secret from the rest of the world. I feel like there should be a greater way to tell strangers I am a rape victim.

I guess that's how you will learn how I love
and learn how to love me, correctly.
this is not directed to you. this is directed to the girl in the navy blue hoodie wearing nothing else but her dignity. I know you've been hurt too.

3. I often speak to myself indirectly, as a way to not feel so distant from human interaction.

it is 11 09pm
on a Tuesday night.
I was raped on a Tuesday night.
not this Tuesday night
or any Tuesday nights near this night.
sadness, eventually catches up to you. to my youth.

day 247

I wonder if I am one of those girls that seem effortlessly pretty.
Because I don't spend too much time trying to look good to standards.
I have short hair,
I have trimmed down on the eyeliner,
I don't wear push up bras
and I prefer to describe my look as androgynous.

Some people don't appreciate girls that look like boys
or even boys that look like girls. Who cares.
I love you for who you express yourself to be.

day 246

my toes feel sleepy
and back feels steeped
pouring hard work out through my fingertips.
is there a way to write poetry without sounding so depressing.


(how do I even come up with this shit)

(hahaha)

day 245

Working a morning shift is fucking exhausting.
Draining.
The money is good, but people
are too needy.
I WANT THIS
I WANT THAT

excuse me,
can you
blah blahblah blah BLAH.
It's like working on the set
of a Charlie Brown's classroom scene.
I am so annoyed.

day 244

Today
I will have been in my classes
for one full week
for the first time
in almost a month.

But I can honestly say
in that one month
I've learned far more than I could have ever learned
sitting at a desk
being a one to 30 ratio
classroom.
I am still learning.


...
That I want to hurry up and get out of here.

day 243

Slept with smokey eyes over easy
with dirty sandal toes
And a hint of lovers retreat over my body
Easy and simple to love someone so pure
Not too difficult to love someone
who isn't.

***
The summer heat reminds me of making love to the girl who broke my heart, during last summer's heat.

day 242

The lover would rather love me the most when
he feels threatened
by a good friend of his
who is questioning his true intentions
for me
of me
of how strongly he loves me
and when a new lover could appear
a stronger, more intense intention
appears
and when a past lover could appear
he makes sure
I don't disappear
love runs on

day 241

Slowly remembering my second life

1. My best friends asked me today
   Why don't you talk about your art life
   What you do is fucking awesome
2. I slammed for the first time in ages. I'm not sure if I love the slam scene as I used to, or as I didn't, but it was something worthy. My words have some sort of effect on people. On strangers.
3. I can score as low as a 29.2 and as high as 29.4. This makes me nervous, and eager to warm up more quickly.
4. I wonder if I can get perfect scores. I wonder if the girl in the back row, looked at me with eyes of admiration, because she thought my words were powerful. Or because I am beautiful.
5. Feeling beautiful like I should.

day 240

Feet feeling sore
 I hope they will wake up soon
 so I can go to bed.

I am proud of myself.
  I am bringing my life back together
   and I am so proud of myself.

day 239

When I get home from work
 I smell like ten different scents.
 Most of them are gross


okay,
all of them are gross.

But I also smell like
hard work
responsibility
and discipline. Sometimes
I get afraid that my
sarcastic manner
would get in the way
of business. It turns out
I am just fine
just the way I am.
If not,
I am making enough wealth
to smile and pay my dues.

day 238

I have cold feet.

Not sure if this is
a metaphor
for
all the times I've met
a situation I wanted
to excuse myself
from.
  But life isn't like a dinner time argument.


This is why I prefer to eat dinner
over a television rerun.

day 237

Want to embrace every waking second with you
  Holding you in between lost moments
   Do you know that I will love you always

   always.

Miss days of missing you during the day
Just want to be in the dark again
   summer time warmth, no curfew
   This is where we spend the most memories
priceless
Under dimmed out dawn skies
I will still love you when we are awake

day 236

I wonder when I'll stop being so
exhausted
all the time.
It gets tiring to even





zzz

day 235

The main causes to my unhappiness:

1. Slow and painless recovery from pneumonia
2. Strong case of laziness
3. The feeling when your hair grows out and is stuck in an ugly stage for a while
4. No sleep
5. Too much sleep
6. Not enough motivation to inspire

Reasons behind my happiness tonight:

1. Slow and painless journey back to happiness
2. Strong case of determination
3. I need to be more patient
4. No sleep
5. Enough sleep
6. I have all the support in the world

day 234

Thunderstorm- thunderstorm
You are bellowing
hoping to shake sense out of lost lovers
 Wake them up in a make believe utopia
 This is how they'll fall in love
Maybe for the first time,
the second,
maybe even the last.

Hopefully the last.

I am silently shouting to keep our ties together

day 233

I hope I am as committed as my mind tells me to be
Starting to feel my heart grow weaker
 not fonder
 Every day without my lover seems to go by quicker

Is this a good thing?
Does time freeze while I'm with you
 or does all life drag on,
 slowly
             ?

 feel like spilling salt over
 call it an accident
 Throw my heart over my right shoulder
 just to see what's left

Days like these make me worried
I want to love you
with an open mind
Do not want to leave doors open for too long
 There are far too many strangers I can fall in love with

day 232

Forcing myself to live through these migraines
It must be a sign of my body not being ready
 but my mind is
 I'm ready to be put to use
I'm exhausted
 It feels so good to be needed
 To do a deed and do it perfectly
No one is perfect

I know
 that's why I am close to numb

day 231

I went for a run with my beloved today.

 Quickly realizing how much I love him
 and how much I have loved him
 for the past five years.
 Found myself half asleep last night, saying
 Yknow
 I've always had a crush on you.
 Even though I knew you've always liked me,
 and I refused to give you a chance.
 Always.

 Days looking up like
 running tip toe up steep hills
 I still hold his hand down big valleys
 hope to not fall too deep, but

there is really nothing to fear.
Only growing to fear the length of
distance between us.
There is only a limited amount of love
we can speak
from now on.
I hope to never forget about feeling this way.
At  peace
while thinking of the chaos we've created
here
in my sanctuary. I am alone tonight
but more of a missing persons case
than feeling lonely.
You're the shit

day 230

I don't understand why people don't correct my mistakes

I would like to hope that if I ever
spell a heartache incorrectly,
a friend would be there to underline it in red ink
Tell me
this is just a minor mistake
You'll learn.

But instead
I always find myself
learning I am wrong
on my own time.
When no one is left to burn my fuel
I would like to hope that
I will still be there.

You know,
for myself.

day 229

My spirit animal is a bear

because I sleep
for days
and nights
and I am day
dreaming of nights where I'll be full

with content. Let me
sleep,
wake up my inner
dreams. I want to hold hands
with my spirit.

day 228

there is something wrong

with our people.

lovers with problems

and problems with company.

this is known as

a bad vibe

sing me something dead

i am deaf,

reading your braille hips

with soothing lips

how are you sleeping tonight

how are your dreams

chase them

like the girl you loved tonight

finally met tonight

after three weeks of hellos

and good jobs

chase her

do a good job

dont screw this up

dont screw this up

they say

so you destroy this potential domination

and the first thing we do

is blame it on surroundings

the air is bad over here

i cant breathe over here

too much wrong over here

not enough right

not enough blessings

i have five senses

twenty different ways to use them

you have twenty different ways of loving someone

i smell like her love tonight

i taste the love on her lips

see how beautiful her love makes me

feel

tonight we are touching

and the neighbors are listening

they have one way of loving twenty people

five senses of wrong

dont screw this up

blow good jobs until these vibes are blown up

feel the explosion

almost like a lovers first kiss

the kiss where you realize

i kissed them

who kissed him

who kissed her

and death kissed you

tonight

how are you sleeping tonight

how are your dreams

day 227

1
Human interaction
is a funny thing.
2
My best friend always blushes
when she hears the truth.
The reality of me being so
alive
made her blush
like there was no tomorrow
3
I am so silly
full of life
but I'm never considered
cool.
Never the girl people
want to be.
~I've heard this from
douchebag boys.
4
I think I've gained weight
...from waitressing
5
I don't know how being
fat
and
happy
feels. Maybe it feels
whole.

day 226

REBIRTH


I can call it that, right?
Battling pneumonia
may have been the greatest
war this year.


But I won.
A three week war
that turned me into the
weakest
soul
alive.
Dead,
but somehow breathing.
Now I'm breathing,
some day I will be dead,
but not any time soon.
Never again.

day 225

The boy and the loud whispers: prelude

I fell in love with a warrior.

I don't particularly know how we became one soul,
or when,
or why,
but we did.
And because of this, I've taken on the challenge to openly accept his secrets.
Every
single
one.
No matter how sleepy I am, or how sleepy I wish I could be,
in those short moments
all I can feel is love.

It is better than dreaming.

***

day 224

Fooled myself into thinking I would get better
  I am still behind
   in life
   in school
   in work
 

So behind.

There is not much I can give to have this taken away.
My words
are failing me.
The only
bit of pride I carry
is slowly
disintegrating.
I feel so helpless
still
no one can help me more.
New medication makes me sleepy.
Try to conquer fears in my slumber

I am only a half-assed warrior.
Who am I fooling.


I'm as weak as the seven days I spent sleeping
  spent closing my eyes on
  I feel so
  ...
 ...
...
***

day 223

New medication
makes me exhausted.
That is it's purpose.


I guess I should take advantage
of all the dreaming I can do.


Feeling a lot more optimistic.
Things will get better
eventually.

day 222

can't do anything without my lungs feeling on fire
  can't do anything without needing to sit down
    i've grown so exhausted

bath times have gone from sanctuary bliss
to i want to drown
here
right now.

   i swear i don't want to sound
 so suicidal
 or depressed
 but i can't help but feel this way

at this end of the tunnel
it hurts to even think about being productive
yet it kills me to feel useless.

  i've grown tired just from thinking.