day 313

She walked by walkers
walking with walkers
on the brightest
gloomiest
afternoon
that day.
And everyone walked.


You're all walking.
All walking in sync
to each other's lives.
We are all somehow synced
somehow
threaded together.
Stitch and hold high
highly hold yourself
stitched together
in pieces
only you can feel.

day 312

we are growing together
It is difficult to avoid
growing forgetful
Sometimes I cannot bring myself to remember how much I love you
and how much you love me.

Our love feels like baby ducklings
following their courageous mother
through ponds, puddles,
and unpaved paths.
We're all in this together.
It'll save our lives.

day 311

I feel so powerful in black.
So brave


***
I've always been courageous
I've seemed to forgotten about this trait
**
Never forget how brave you are
how strong-hearted
how lion-hearted
how much you have grown
just within yourself

day 310

I honestly hate my job
Dread going into work most days
But its one of those things you have to do..
So i will suck it up

Reminds me I must work as hard as I can
Spin myself into a wonderland
One day.

day 309

back to pen and paper vol 12

I'd love to live on my own
just my own
with my goldfish and my pup
box crate tables
and air mattress
comforts
I'd be way happier that way

day 308

back to pen and paper vol 11

Somehow
I am always finding myself
alone
not lonely
never lonely
just with myself
it's ok
i tell myself
it's ok

day 307

back to pen and paper vol 10

i have all the support i could ever need

sometimes i stress out for
no reason
but there are reasons
more than one reason at least
i just feel a tad bit. . .
worried
self conscious
what if i did my art strictly for my own enjoyment
that's what art is supposed to be like right?
but everyone wants to feel supported.

day 306

Feeling so stressed out
Just want to be adored
I want to be a rock star more than anything
I want to be loved by passerbys

***
Today a man on a motorcycle pulled over as I was walking.
Said
Hello

Hi
And giggled
I did

You are gorgeous
You are SO gorgeous
Come take a ride with me
said

No thank you
Giggle

I did
***

I dyed my hair red
And purple
And dark brown
Within the past three days
I just wanna be a rockstar.

I just want to be someones rock.
I am not going anywhere.
For awhile.

day 305

1 I've spent almost a year convincing myself that I am beautiful
It hits hard when you don't feel an ounce of pretty
2 I get angry too quick
3 Yesterday I had a panic attack
When I tell someone to STOP
more than once
I grow more anxious
4 Sometimes you just can't stop crying
5 Sometimes I want to cry for days and days and days
6 Yes. I WAS RAPED. THAT DOESN'T CONTRIBUTE TO MY LACK OF BEAUTY. That doesn't fucking
7
Fuck
you
8 My goodness
9 I will heal somehow
I will heal
This will heal
I will heal someday
Hopefully completely
but I am losing hope
10 I am losing hope
I am losing beauty

day 304

love to end the night
 still in love with you
 our pillows missed you dearly
  as did i.

day 303

The blue can consume everything you claim home. There are times when you question your ability to be loved. You are lovable.

day 302

I'll have a garden in my backyard
one full of life
makes you feel like living
makes the sunshine look like an amateur
we all just want to be on top
the biggest squash to squish them all
demolish all competition
you are lost in
thorns and
cat tails
dandelion useless singing sirens
the dying weeds will die

day 301

Yes
 I'd love to quit
 some days
 When my wrists get
 a little too heavy
 to hold up my words

***
They don't just flow out like that. They don't just
magically
find a way from my brain
to my fingertips

***
When they finally find air
these words will dry
and stick together
It has become difficult
to pull each letter back into my
brain

Must remember what I've written
must spit out words through
tongue
and out to inspire
baby sparks
on a stranger's fingertips

** On some days
I'd love to quit
When my wrists get a little too
disappointed
Too many long faces in such a short span of
time

Are you sure this is what you'll do forever
No
But I am certain
The passion will live on and on
and
on
and on
until my house burns down
and I build a home
of
letters
and ladders
stacking them up
and higher
make my words high
Fly with them
I want to inspire your best friend's
stranger
her stranger's fingers

We're all a little uncertain
some days
Some days I'd love to quit

But I refuse to let my words become strangers.
I refuse to let my passion
burn itself out.

day 300

day 300!

At this point in my career I've:

1. Performed with my team at the BNV 2011 Finals
2. Started this 365 project, 300 days ago
3. Debuted Autumn #17
4. Gotten published in Lowell's very own Young Angel Midnight Anthology (I'm the baby of the book)
5. Taught a poetry workshop to really smart college kids at Harvard University's BAASIC 2011
6. Found my soul
7. Taught students from Lawrence's Wetherbee Middle School
8. Placed 2nd in the Jack Kerouac Poetry Competition
9. Performed Autumn #17 at the Mayor's Inauguration due to his request
10. Slammed and advanced to the semi finals for the Mill City Slam Team
11. Earned a spot to slam at the Ontario International Poetry Slam in November 2012
12. Debuted When the Wars Begin
13. Competed with Lowell's very first Louder Than a Bomb Slam Team
14. Performed When the Wars Begin at LTAB Semi Finals (and scored 9.1 and above as a sacrificial poet)
15. Performed Snapple Fact with my team at LTAB and our kick off show
16. Performed at the 2012 Take Back the Night Event
17. Accepted my rape
18. Became stronger
19. Taught poetry workshops to the children at the Robinson Middle School
20. Slammed in front of my best friend for the very first time
21. Gotten asked to perform When the Wars Begin at the opening ceremony for Mass Poetry's Poetry Festival
22. Shared the stage with Major Jackson, Maggie Dietz, and Robert Pinsky
23. Earned the title of the 2012-2013 Lowell Youth Slam Team's GRAND SLAM CHAMPION
24. Made a long list

day 299

Back to pen and paper vol 9

But it's such a bittersweet feeling
to feel so light
making music so heavily

and everything is so influenced
by music
by universal language
There are no da Vinci codes to learn
just notes
take notes
breathe
notes.

day 298

feelin sorry for yourself is

feelin sorry

feelin sorry

feelin sorry for yourself is

feelin sorry

feelin selfish

no one ends your own story

no one knows

your twists and your turns

no one ends your own story

where you love

is your

golden chamber

fill the void in your soul

fill it once

seal it

with gold

no one ends your own story

you create

you own twists and turns

feelin sorry for yourself is

feelin sorry

feelin sorry

feelin sorry for yourself is

feelin sorry

feelin selfish

whose idea was to surface

swim the shore

with passion stained eyes

youre in charge of your rip tides

divin low now

swim high

feelin sorry for yourself is

feelin sorry

feelin selfish

feelin sorry for yourself is

dont be sorry

dont be selfish

My newest song

day 297

Open letter to my city:
There is comfort...
in your soul.
yes
some days,


It may be hidden
Under shelves of broken in book bindings


The smell of a vacant library
always seemed appealing
to the people hungry for new titles












(this will be finished when i remember
how much i love my city)

day 296

back to pen and paper vol 8

"You are so tiny" "I've never
realized how
small
you really are"

I am a small person
With big dreams
big
big
dreams
gargantuan
elephant shoes and
locking all of my
ambitions in a trunk
hiding it in the attic
I don't have
My mind will have
to do for now
remind myself
Yes
you are tiny
you are so
small
so
fragile,
but you are still
capable of loving
living
dreaming
you are a dreamer deep
down inside
sometimes
too ambitious
but you've always
done things with love
bigger than your
passion
Yes
you are tiny
you are so
small
so fragile,
but you are safe in your dreams.

day 295

Who is MARS
and where could Mars be


My mother calls me Mars
  I believe she wants me to grow into something more
COLOSSAL 
but I am a new planet everyday


but I am a new
I am a new planet
everyday
from happy to bitter to
scared
to
scared

I get scared sometimes.
Sometimes
too fearful

                Jasper gets fearful when he realizes I scare myself too much
you are too much of an inspiration, love
if you can't inspire yourself
to realize how grand things can be


then how will i convince you
...


I have never used the word scared
or afraid
or fearful
to describe myself
ever
I am so strong-hearted
courageous
and brave
they call me crazy for a reason


I'm afraid of rape.
Again.

day 294

It makes me so upset that I have to
 put my dreams on hold
 **


Why is it called
PUTTING ON HOLD
when I am
                   FAR
from even being able to
HOLD onto them.
And sometimes
the reality of being alive
and living
has to get in the way of
pursuing what makes me
happy.

What am I going to do with my life

I can't enjoy a Saturday night
saying what I really want to say
feelin how I really want to feel
Putting all jokes aside
I've been so blank

apathetic

just plain sad
lately

But it's okay.
I'll just hold it all in
keep my blues to myself
 during another 8 hour shift.
 My dreams are dead tonight
tomorrow night
yesterday night
Monday night
Tuesday night



I wish I was born rich and

happy.

day 293

It isn't too difficult to make me feel uncomfortable.

day 292

I hate that I love so immensely
So passionately
It is so hard to say I Hate You and mean every bit of it

Beginning to believe every bit of it.

day 291

I feel like tomorrow
Is the push
I've been needing to do
In weeks.

I can't wait to feel so many emotions
Until I grow apathetic again

Le sigh?

day 290

I'm finding
myself
to be a much
more
reserved
person.
 I am
 a friend
 and a friendly
 friend.
I feel sad,
almost uncomfortable
at how much
I don't want people
to know about
my life.
It is so easy
to find out
what I did
yesterday
and what I did
three years
ago.
Everything is private
now.
Closed off
and it sings like
a happy
island.
All distant and
soaking the
sun.

day 289

I wish my childhood was drowned more in Marvel
than Pokemon.

Pokemon only reminds me of my ex boyfriend now.

So childish
and
naive, I was.

day 288

Soon enough
you'll become broken record girls
with broken record souls
that grab at you in nights of intimacy

"Love me harder
Like
Like
Love
Love me
Like
You
Me
Harder"

day 287

I still haven't told my mother

that I'm moving to New York in the fall.
I should do that today...
maybe now...

but it is so
hard
to tell someone you've
changed your mind

It's like trying to tell myself I don't love you anymore
because I do
but you're right
I am too quick to gamble what we have
I've always been a little
too
free spirited

But that's what you love about me,
right

day 286

I don't have time or energy to do what everyone wants me to do for them
No I don't have time to respond to you
Even if you are right there
in front of me
right under my nose
I don't have the energy to speak to you
to you
to
you

day 285

OPEN LETTER TO MY IMMUNE SYSTEM












WHAT DID I DO
BABY COME BACK
YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON ME
NO REALLY THOUGH
WHAT DID I DO


WHY ARE YOU GONE...




OR DID I NEVER HAVE YOU
IN THE FIRST PLACE...

day 284

I'm really beginning to have second thoughts on the rest of my life.
College is supposed to...
today I don't have the energy or
mood to say what I feel like saying

I wish I had gone a different path
chose a different major
But you haven't tried it  yet
I know
I know I haven't
but how can I look forward to something
I can't even pay for

in gum

day 283

As of the first of May

I will call the ER
my second home,