day 282

I love good company
and surrounding myself in good spirits



***
there are some spirits i cant stand
must sit in rooms five hundred feet away
sometimes i grow out of breath thinking of
all the things i can grow to hate about you

day 281

I love when my boss puts flowers in my hair
It reminds me of how precious I am,
How
Gentle and
Delicate
I am.
It reminds me that I am capable of being loved

day 280

Back to pen and paper vol 8
taking care of myself
Is way more work
Than just words
My body needs to love me
Too

day 279

(I just realized that my dates on here were way wrong. Sorry...for looking like a time traveler....hehe)

1.
I miss being in my mother's home
She has made it so warmth
so full of life
even though it is empty
wall to wall

2. She must be extremely lonely when I'm gone
And when I'm gone
I'm gone for days
Whether physically or just
mentally.
I haven't been anywhere close to Earth in a while.
This must change.

3.
I am a good person
with a huge heart
Hands are a little on the small side
but I can still warm you with
baby fires
I apologize for not being there
here
there
here
never here
never able to hear what
you want me to say
for their souls
to warm up their empty glass homes
It gets cold easily
without a baby in the house

4. I apologize for ruining the live space
dead load system in this home.
I learned about this in my first period
Engineering class.
Sometimes I don't even want to be in school
because of that class.
I've spent the last 4 years
wanting to be a vet
to an engineer
to an architect

5. I only strayed away from being a vet
because I couldn't bring myself to
throw away a dying baby mouse
on a glue trap in my mother's kitchen.
Who's home would be ruined
if their baby was squealing in a trash can
somewhere
Not mine
but someone's

6.
I didn't want to be an engineer anymore because
I couldn't figure out what concentration I wanted to focus on.

Environmental!
Oh you should do chemical,
you can make make up
No! I want to be a mechanical engineer
Maybe I can put clocks together
Freeze time when I want
or just speed up times
even though that shouldn't be allowed to happen

I've always done horrible in math
since the 8th grade
I don't understand

I can't stand being a mathematician
How many times would I have to solve problems
Sometimes I have my own problems
Way too many of my own

7. I really hope that architecture will be my forte...
I really hope I don't screw up in college...
I really hope
I don't
screw up a stranger's house
Who's home would be ruined
if their baby was squealing in a trash can
somewhere
Not mine
but someone's

day 278

I am finding myself
More and more
Excited to fall
More and more
In love
With the love of my life
There is no other
Heart I'd like to learn
No other hand to hold
You are so..
SO golden
to me (Jasper)

day 277

TAKE BACK THE NIGHT
If I tried to take back the nights
I'd be way too exhausted
trying to sleep my way through these
nightmares
You hand wrapped in pretty boxes
You're such a pretty girl,
a lovely young girl,
you have so much going for yourself
And you are a sad, sad person.
For using and abusing
leaving me scarred with no evidence
This is to leave the nights as soundly
but silent they were.
You regret this
everyday of your life
I tell myself this everyday.
I do not hate you.
I will not hate myself.
I know my worth.

day 276

I can only sit and wonder what lives I'm missing.

day 275

Alejandro loves
To swim and dance and party
Good thing he's neutered

(A haiku about my goldfish)

day 274

My life is a sitcom

1. I ended up going to work 5 hours late a few days ago. I was stuck in beach traffic for like 7 hours.

2. My best friends and I went out to eat in Allston for one of their birthdays. After dining in for about an hour and a half, we realized that my car was towed.

I owe her cousin $130.

3. The next night, I performed my culture piece When The Wars Begin and opened up the Massachusetts Poetry Festival for some dope poets. (Major Jackson, Maggie Dietz, and ROBERT PINSKY)
That shit cray.

4. Last night I was admitted to the ER due to a stomach virus and extreme dehydration. That shit was crazy.

My life is amazing. I love my life and I am still blessed and extremely happy. I mean, I'm still alive and living.

day 273

Wake up
Stomach hurts
(there's no baby, don't worry)
Is there something you need to tell me
I don't drink
or smoke
or party
I perform my poetry with
Robert Pinsky
They fed me lobster rolls

Boyfriend makes me an omelet
It was okay
Stomach hurts
Goes back to bed
Wakes up at 2 14pm
Gets ready for work
Troops to the bathroom
(diarrhea ouch)
Shower
Throws up all the omelets I've eaten in the past 18 years
Showers
Fever and headache
Troops to boyfriend's sister's room
Knocks out

**
My body got rid of everything I took in

I remember falling over on the toilet
And screaming at the top of my lungs for help
Boyfriend knocks door open

Throws up everything

Do you want to go to the hospital
(I think she should go to the hospital)

I knock out and end up in the ER
in a wheelchair
Hair looking like Wolverine's lover
feeling like his professor

They fed me popsicles
my best friends came to visit
It was midnight
They fed me popsicles
(and saline
through an IV)
The nurses were nice
I had bad gas

That was my Saturday night

day 272

I think...that I am this much closer to changing the world.

I am a mouse
Quiet when I feel like my identity will be heard
Researched
I never want to be brought down, from what I do, who I surround myself with and what I strive for.
Tonight I will be praised
A pat on the back for my words
What world do I seem eager to be on top of?
I seem like such a powerful woman

I am only 18.
How much can the world and people around me actually change?

I never talk about my poetry life with anyone, unless I'm required to. Unless someone else brings it up. Is this just a humble mindset or am I afraid
Of setting myself up for failure

Whatever it is
Fear is blind.
I am feeling the hearts of lions
Thump and jump
And love

Watch me as I love the sight of eyes watching me.

day 271

Wanting to explore every road your body has to offer

every toe print imprinted onto the bottom of my bed sheets

"we'll sleep soundly tonight"

and you repeat again as i am soundly asleep

we will sleep soundly tonight

wake up an hour later

to roll over and realize that i am gone

i was never really there to begin with

i've always been here..

day 270

Its been four days since I've slept lonely
Not sure if I miss being lonely
Just know that I am still alone
Alone is
Waking up in the middle of the night
Having to shoot your brains out
From a horrible dream
But finding the comfort in yourself to fall back asleep

You are in my peripherals
Every time I stretch open eyelids
And jaws

day 269

Back to pen and paper vol 7
You are five steps away from your childhood.
Five steps away from lovers you never loved
Just lusted
And years apart from distance
Hearts grow stronger in the essence of time
What makes you think we have all the time in the world

day 268

Back to pen and paper vol 6
You sleep upside down.
And its not like its a bad thing
Maybe you want to
Be on the cooler
Much colder
Side of life
Feel numb from all the
Unfinished promises and
Unfurnished living room spaces
You are alone for a reason
Destined to be alone not lonely
There is a difference you are searching for
A difference

day 267

Ghosts honestly scare the crap out of me. But why?
They are humans in another form
You change from cocooning little caterpillars
to butterflies as an effort to cater to yourselves
why are empty bodies so scary
why are we afraid of things
we cannot change

day 266

Mama
I do not want to be an architect anymore
I no longer see myself wanting to design
homes for people searching for a roof top sanctuary.
I would much rather
build a home for broken souls

***
You see,
the thing about broken people is...
they feel whole with jars of hope
half full.
hour glasses
of bottle lipped women
half empty.
Some times
the times fly quicker
spread wings like eager virgin church girls


We all just want to fly some times
We all just want to soar
to roar
cheer
shout, hear rustling leaves on the bottom of our
backs slipping into angel dimples
hear soft moans on newborn skin
I forget how it feels to be virgin some times.
To be completely whole
and pure
and natural
organic
I am one of those labeled food cans
donate me to a hunger shelter
I will hold you
and make you feel whole
but I do nott think you understand how far my wings can take me
on my own
I can walk on them
Stand on them, convince you that it is Autumn
in the middle of a tornado Summer
blow away house top roofs but
Mama doesn't know that I no longer wish to design roof tops
No
Rather spread my wings and let you hold me
let you
soar with me
til all the dead Autumn leaves turn red
and golden

"Stay golden my beautiful girl
stay golden
Stay golden my beautiful girl"
That is what my parents want
A trophy wife for a rich man
A smart man
That I will design kitchen counters smooth enough for our elbows to bump
and create crackling sounds of flexible backs
on
Making home made jars of love in a house made kitchen
I no longer wish to be an architect
I wish to fly and spread my wings to empty churches
Fill them like first time virgins
Lose my mind and dance mindlessly
into the arms of a broken soldier
**
where is your soul, you beautiful boy
where is your soul
I do not wish to build homes for lonely soldiers

Maybe temples


Bring your old virgin bodies
lay them to rest here
"Stay  golden my beautiful girl
stay golden
Stay golden my beautiful girl"
build temples with your broken souls
There is a reason why churches build around stained glass windows
They are made from the glass they prevent you from bleeding Autumn red with
on tornado Summer nights
while making love to soldiers looking for their dead souls
We all fight battles some times
We all build walls around our temples
wishing to stay golden
even if we're only half full
I've lost the other half of me trying to design safe havens
for the church girl dignities who love their mothers but hold lovers that dance mindlessly

day 265

A hundred days from now,
it will be the one year anniversary
of the beginning of my life.

day 264

Hopeless romantic
my lover is set at seas fifty Red seas away from me
It is stained with the blood of imaginary lovers
of lovers like me
wishing to be loved back as much as I please


***
Sometimes I bleed colors of your words.

day 263

I am
trying to keep you
to myself
not knowing this is wrong
I should not be holding you
back
keep you pushing
forward
and I want to keep on
keeping on
sometimes not with you
but now more than ever
It is a needy feeling
Need
you
to move this day forward
Time is stopping between
the minutes and seconds of not
seeing
you
being with
you
You

day 262

I am a lover
waiting for the hands of a broken barrier
to come cut identity
from my finger tips

Sometimes
when we hold hands
I want to twirl myself
into man made ditches
filled and unfilled
time and time again
Is that what your past lovers felt like

day 261

wanting to
sleep all day
and night
just sleep
sleep
sleep

day 260

I haven't written a love poem in about a year.

My last love poem was about my heart breaking

sinking

in seas we prefer to not sing about.

I have been sinking again

but in a sea full of reds

and pinks and golds

and ivory.

day 259

OPEN LETTER TO THE BIGGEST BADDEST.....Canadian..

1
You have stolen the title of
best friend
with a hand gun made from cotton candy
sweet baby Jesus promises
sent straight from unicorn
heaven
itself

2
Although I will probably see you once
a year
it will become a tradition
To feel your spirit in person is such a gift itself
it should only be felt when expected
Those around you daily are
THE
LUCKIEST
mother fuckers
I'll ever know

Bless their souls

3
The last night I saw you,
you chased me down a dorm hall
with a stranger's DD bra.
It was honestly the scariest
and funniest
and funnest
and scariest
moment of my life.
Would I replay that moment again?





Well, no
but at least I'll never forget it.

4
We are brother and sister
I love you
never gonna hate you
always gonna protect you
from evil wizards wearing
fake capes
and false hopes kinda
afraid to let some witchcraft
black magic
scoop down and
steal the other from the other.
It is a two for one deal
Partners in crime
We are the mother fucking
wizards
Shaking the pixie dust from
phony little bitch wizards
ASK ME WHO YOU ARE AFRAID OF
I won't have an answer
Only because I'd rather be
blind to what you fear.
For that would be greater than
darkness.
Being blind
is a curse.

5
If one day you should become blind
become ill
become hopeless
my strong
big
bad
wolf puffin Canadian

fly, my dude.
Just fly.
I am a two hour flight
a (>$500) two hour flight
But huff and puff your way here
with unicorn security by your side
it is safe
IT WILL ALWAYS BE SAFE

day 258

When you close your eyes for just a second, don't you feel the world spinning right before your finger tips...? You are blind to what is free. Some days.

day 257

I met Carrie Rudzinski
in a crowded poetry bar's basement bathroom
We bumped elbows.

I said
Wow
You are so pretty
(marry me)

She said
Hah
You are pretty, too


She sacrificed that night
and I realized she was that night
that night.

day 256

My day is a wall plug.
Feel warmth through the opportunities
rushing through welcome spaces.
May be dark til passion reawakens in
you, brightens the auras of seven
past lovers, yes yours. Around the newly
wedded us.
I will hear what I want to hear. Hear what
makes you want to squirm.
At the first sound of a crackle,
didn't you remember the girl who first broke your heart,
don't you ever forget.
I don't.
Makes me want to scream
THIS IS NOT A BROKEN HEART
more like a heart on a wall plug charger
We are regenerating for future purposes
for future divorces
future broken in homeless shelters.
Smells like home all fried and frizzled
broken into like those new comforters
have found some an owner
or two. Smells mostly like
two lovers dicing sour limes,
one for the road and one for the whiskey
they'll pretend to drink sober
pretend to do a drunk dance sober
out of pure sanity
You want to do a crazy dance
with me
Feel it once, you taste it once you feel this day
is  nothing like a wall plug.
And this is not a broken heart
I am telling you
You are charging away at
bullshit excuses, bullshit reasons to
let a thief into your home.
You spell everything
without a backbone.
You fight it all
without anything.

day 255

You see a glimpse of the star you could be and
Quickly draw a halo around it,
Pull it closer towards you without realizing the noose around your dreams

Being too eager is deathly

day 254

At this point in my life
I am not sure where I want to be or
who I can see myself completing missions with.
I just want to be hand in hand with my poetry
I am there. Never letting go, fist full of truth and honesty. Honestly getting lost in my art is the best kind of surrendering to do. I've said hello to white flags way too often but this blank canvas has proved to be the most satisfying

day 253

My mother refuses to support anything I do. This piece will be finished when I feel worthy.