day 180

to the loves I've lost, and the losses I've loved


SPRING 2007      This is the time I met the love of my life.
I was 14. We hung out at the park on a rainy afternoon. The next day,
we went to the movies. It ended, then I broke up with him.
And it rained.


APRIL 2008         Her name was Christina.


SUMMER 2009     I was with a boy who abused me. I saw him
the other night out of pure coincidence. I still get weak in the knees.

WINTER 2010      The freezing cold made me numb. I loved someone
who loved to leave. And I loved to watch him come back. Numb.
He's dating my cousin now.

Dumb.


JULY 2011              I fell in love with Jamaica Osorio, and a bunch of other girls, but she's the only one who I still think of. Her voice keeps my winter warm. I still miss you 180 days strong. I don't talk to you anymore. I know I shouldn't.

I also fell in love with a boy who likes boys. His way of loving someone broke my heart. Because I lacked a penis and probably an attractive aura. You are beautiful, Mr. Luke.


SUMMER 2011      This is the time I met the love of my life.
Again.
For the second time. He seemed much more beautiful,
much more lively,
much more passionate.

This is the time I finally believed in soul mates.

In loving your best friend, because support systems never die.
Unless you agree to let it die.

This is the time I spent nights at the park,
on sunny nights, dancing with mosquitoes, twirling my hair
to the rhythms the love of my life created with his
bare
fingertips.

This is the time I let someone love me,
because I knew how capable of being loved I was.
Of how beautiful I am.
Of how much I wanted to change the world

holding his bare fingertips
with my words
We stuck like glue. This is the time
summer felt comfortable.


AUTUMN 2011     This is the time I met myself for the first time.


WINTER 2011        This is the time I lied. Not for the first time, but
everyday.
I repeated words that had no meaning to anyone, even myself.


Eventually, you start to believe in what you say.

Isn't that true.

This is the time the freezing cold of lost loves kept me numb. And Jamaica warmth became extinct. This became the coldest winter.

Numb.

NEW YEARS 2012    Didn't feel a thing change.
Still lost.
Numb.

This is the time I fell out of love with the love of my life.

This is the time love became almost identical to hate. I hate you with a passion four summers long. I hate you with such warmth it numbs my soul.


This is also the time I found myself



lost.


And I loved it.
Beautifully.


SOMEDAY 2012     I will meet myself finding myself


lost
again.

And I won't push time with my bare fingertips. I will know that my past lovers have burned me with day old kisses and unborn memories. It will still rain. I will still fall in love only to watch a soul fall out of love.

But I will still be beautiful.

And I will still love myself.
Beautifully.