day 221

I don't understand how suddenly everything in my world can stop spinning once I lay down.
How the dizziness of life only hits me when I attempt to live. Having no ability to do what I need to do makes me feel so useless.
I feel useless.
Falling behind on work that needs to be done, falling behind in work. I AM getting rest, it is not what you understand. My attempts of doing great things lie with the rest of my energy..which I have so little of.
I rest, I can tell you that. I've been resting for days and nights, consecutively, I can count milliseconds of how tired I feel. And I can count the milliseconds of how worried the people around me look. (After resting and feeling better in bed, I wake up, and head into work. Within an hour of being at work, I get excused home.) How much more useless can I be. Pale stricken. I just want to sleep come evening, and be with people during the day but I can't bring my body to do so. I've become a prisoner to blankets and antibiotics, Jasmine tea, and blood tests. I know I can survive. Its just so tiring. I feel so lonely. And useless. And I feel so tired. I haven't cried at all, but I will once my body is able to stop spinning me dry.







***
realizing
i've been keeping
track
the wrong way.
backwards.
back to the ward