day 195

It's weird to see baby me performing my pieces
  when my peace was first born
  shaky voices with nervous notebook hands to match
  It's almost magnetic to see how robotic everything was
  how much I used to actually think
  of every action, how I was afraid to make a fool of myself
  thinking too much of the negatives I could
  bring into my soundproof mind later on.

My words flow so much more heavenly now
Like I am finally feeling the hidden pain behind my art
It's mornings of revelation like this that I live for
  This is truly something beautiful

  I've seen myself in two kinds of lights:
  The first light being
    the first time my soul was awaken
    by sing song birds that sang my
    poetry to me, in summer like
    poet trees. Reaching with arms of
    natural inspiration. Something must
    have soaked into my roots.
  The second light being
    the darkness I've overlooked
    from the hoping optimism of my work
    It wasn't until I felt myself numb
    in my words
    that I realized how beautiful of a
    human I am. And all my
    robotic actions were some sort of
    fucked up unplanned way of
    keeping me away from pain.
    I find this pain the most enjoyable.

Now. The third light is realizing this.
I am slowly branching away from my roots,
but I will obviously never swim too far.
I haven't been coached for my gigs
in so long, it's almost an eerie feeling.
I wonder if my mentors have ever felt like this before.
  I've been called a shining light for the youth of my city,
  just because I've realized I can form words
  into pretty verses. I don't think it's that honorable of a passion.
  It makes me feel numb again,
  wondering, how, did I even get here
  to this point. Of admiration and respect.
  One day I will be the one to go to

I don't know if I could ever be ready to do so

**

I am finding myself less and less angry everyday
  More and more neutral
  As if nothing is really bothering me at all
  It's not a healthy feeling
  It's like I want to be a robot
but I don't.
And I am not.
  Nothing bothers me because nothing is wrong
  when everything should be wrong
  This is where I admit I am fearful for once.

I fear I am no longer as brave

**
Just kidding.
I'm just an 18 year old kid.
My heart is happy,
slowly learning to love myself.
I've built walls, you know.
Even to protect myself from

myself.

Crazy,
what a heartbreak can do to you.
But you grow stronger
Take everyday with a smile
Some days I would cry
but I'm done with that stage.
I'm just doing a little repairing.
I am almost completely whole
by myself.

Healing, love.