The Condensed Guide to Happy Living

CHAPTER 1

SMILE

No one wants to be the asshole that

Tries to spread frowns like wildfire

HOWEVER

If you do want to encourage frowns

Then you are not living A HAPPY LIFE

READ OVER CHAPTER 1 BEFORE MOVING ON TO

CHAPTER 2

TALK IN CAPS LOCK

It makes everything you say seem more official

CHAPTER 3

HAVE YOUR HEART BROKEN

“You can’t have the sunshine without the rain”

Push aside your pride and

Cry yourself a new black sea

Full of your runny mascara and eyeliner

And remember

There are four different fish in the sea:

FISH YOU LOVE THAT LEAVE YOU

FISH YOU LOVE THAT YOU LEAVE

FISH YOU LOVE BUT YOU HATE THEIR GUTS, BUT THEYRE SUPER HOT

YOU CANT LEAVE THEM BECAUSE HAVING FUN IS MORE IMPORTANT

FISH YOU LOVE THAT ARE EXTREMELY AWESOME AND STAY AWESOM

FOR FIFTY YEARS THEN YOU WAKE UP ONE DAY AND REALIZE SHIT AI

REAL BECAUSE GOLDFISH DON’T LIVE THAT LONG

AND KOI FISH ARE TOO EXPENSIVE

AND YOU CAN NEVER TRUST THOSE DAMN SHARKS

AND IT’S HARD TO CUDDLE WITH A WHALE EVEN THOUGH A WHALE I

MAMMAL

But everything else are fish

So fuck that

CHAPTER 4

SHARE YOUR WISDOM

NOT YOUR TEETH

Most people don’t like gift wrapped dentures

And other people don’t like people who bite

I mean, vampires aren’t happy

CHAPTER 6

Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how sexy you are

And if someone tells you otherwise

Reassure them that you’re one steamy ass, sweet talking, book reading, pants melter

of a bitch

And you own it

And they’re just jealous

CHAPTER 7

Give out meaningful compliments

Tell someone their hair looks great

Tell someone you like their shoes

TELL SOMEONE THEY’RE LOOKING EXTRA DOUCHEBAG TODAY

And mean it.

CHAPTER 8

RAAAAAAGE

DON’T KEEP YOUR DAMN EMOTIONS BOTTLED INSIDE

SOON ENOUGH YOU’LL EMIT TOO STRONG ANGRY CARBONATES

AND YOU’LL EXPLODE

WRITE ANGRY POETRY

EAT AWAY YOUR FEELINGS

TELL SOMEONE THEY’RE LOOKING EXTRA DOUCHEBAG TODAY

And mean it.

And

CHAPTER 24

DON’T GIVE A FUCK

AND YES

I KNOW I SKIPPED CHAPTERS

BUT THIS IS THE DAMN CONDENSED GUIDE

AND SOMETIMES

YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE UP YOUR OWN FUCKING RULES

AND BE HAPPY