day 31

what am i doing with my life?

i want to travel

with just two hands and two legs

with two feet

and ten toes

i want to live

in a rainy city for 3 years

alone

make myself a cup of hot chocolate

every morning

and eat a piece of cake

because i can

and because life will be a piece of cake

i don't want a one family house

with a white picket fence

and beautiful roses and vines

okay

maybe vines

but not roses

i am a daisy kind of girl

and i hope i still will be

i want to live five minutes away from downtown

and a library

and a laundromat

and a museum

and a grocery store

i want to walk into a grocery store

alone

with a basket

and bump into my past lover in aisle 3

he'll be buying cereal

for his beautiful children

and i'll finally meet his beautiful wife

they'll be so perfect for each other

that it'll make me happy to know

that letting go 

was the best decision we've ever made

together

and after grabbing an instant pack of cocoa

and exchanging those

i-fell-in-love-with-you-first smiles

i'll find the shortest line possible

buy my shit

and walk back to my studio

alone

but somewhat happy

and somewhat heartbroken

but mostly happy

and i'll start to spot the gray undertones of the clouds

and be thankful that it's not raining for once

i want to be beautiful while crying.

i want to pick a daisy off a crack in the sidewalk

and place it in a water bottle

on my kitchen counter

it'll remind me of my ex boyfriends

that used to buy me daisies

for birthdays and anniversaries

but remember that he got me a fake carnation

and baby breath

on his prom night

and i still call him my past lover

there are people you meet

that seem so perfect for you

but they make you sad

and they make you bored

and they make you frustrated

and they tell you they want to leave

i want to be able to look back on this decision

and not have to worry if i still look beautiful crying

i want to be thankful that my two hands were once his to hold

and that my two feet and his two feet

once walked the same path

together

i want to be thankful that he makes me want to be alone

for the rest of my life

but seeing that he could be happy someday

in a stupid grocery store

buying cereal for kids we once named

changes everything

i want to fall in love completely

losing sense of my toes

i want to be numb

in love

the way i used to be with my past lover

but not with my ex boyfriends

i want to be able

to stick ten daisies in a single water bottle

and not have anyone question me

i want someone to tell me that i am beautiful while crying

and that someone is a stranger

in aisle 4

looking at the same cake mix as i am 

and i want to tell all of my secrets to him

on a rainy day

and he'll send me daisies and water bottles

on Tuesdays

because he was thinking of me