day 365

The day has finally come. This is an open diary for all my readers, supporters, friends, lovers, and beautiful strangers.

My name is Princess M. Chan. I started this 365 project, well, 365 days ago. I was stuck at an airport after an amazing trip to the 2011 Youth Speaks Brave New Voices Festival. Before the trip, I honestly had no idea what I would experience. It was my first time being on a slam team. I was 17, excited, and very lost. Once my team and I reached our destination, I instantly fell in love. I melted. I knew that I would embark on an adventure that would change the rest of my life. And it did.

The 2011 Lowell Youth Slam Team (Suty, Em, Sara, and I) didn’t score amazing with judges, but we always pulled through whenever we performed our group piece, Awkward Swag. We performed that piece in our home town, Lowell, before leaving for BNV and we got… well… awkward feedback. Feeling discouraged, we decided as a group that we didn’t want to bring this piece to BNV. One of our coaches, my wonderful mentor Febo, kept telling us that he had a feeling about this piece. He knew it would bring us somewhere. Reluctantly, we believed him, so we brought it to the competition.

After spitting at late night open mics, we were half sleepy and half determined. Poets loved Awkward Swag! Eventually, we were asked to perform our group piece at a semi-finals bout as a sacrifice. Beau Sia happened to be there and he asked us to perform our piece…  on final stage…

We peed our pants.

I remember how all of us felt right before performing. Nervous as sh*t. This was our moment. The moment we had been working for. We had written a piece that was just so RAW and so BEAUTIFUL and over 3,000 people would be there to witness the love. We performed on final stage. Man, we performed on final stage… It felt so good to go on stage and have other poets cheering for you. (I remember meeting a guy named Tony, who was one of the Youth Speaks staff, his name was Tony. There was an inside joke between us where he would call me Tony, because I hate introducing myself as Princess, so I introduced myself to him as Tony. HEHE! In the video of the team performing, you can hear him scream out “TONY!!!”). Brave New Voices changed my life. It was a trip I will always cherish. I met so many beautiful lovers and I pretty much fell in love… with everyone.

There was Jamaica. And Henry Luke. And a beautiful boy with dreads in the elevator at midnight. And then there were friends I will never and have never lost touch with. There’s Victor and Jamarr and the rest of PYPM. There’s Shawn. There’s Joshua Nguyen from Texas. And of course, my beloved Canadians, Bri, Shoolie, and Miss Lex Leosis. The loves I’ve lost, and the loves I’ve loved and I have continued to love. There is no greater beauty than connecting with souls from all over the globe.

So yeah. There’s really no other reason to why this project was created. This has been my way of coping and adjusting to not being around such beautiful people all the time. Really. It makes me cry just thinking of it. I get so warm inside.

Aside from this 365 project, I have been on the road and on different stages doing what I love to do! I love to write. I love to share. I love to listen. This is my life, man. It’s difficult to not get corny, but I have to. Being young and being so sure about what you want to do is such a blessing.

And the blessings didn’t stop there. I’ve been eternally grateful to have grown so much as an individual and performer. I don’t think I can write like a pro writer 3000 Olympic champ, but I have the confidence that my words can change the world somehow. Or maybe just someone’s world.

I have performed for various youth organized events. I am a big supporter for my community, and I’ve performed at many awareness events.

My poem Year Zero was published in the Young Angels Midnight: Lowell’s Anthology. I performed Autumn #17 at the mayor’s inauguration. But my biggest work so far is my culture piece. As you read on into my project, I write about a certain topic for weeks on end, maybe even months, to create the perfect piece. To do my mind some justice. To put my heart to rest. It took me about three months to write When the Wars Begin! But I guess practice makes almost perfect, because that piece has brought me to such amazing places.

To name a few accomplishments I am extremely proud of: I’ve shared the stage with Robert Pinsky, Maggie Dietz, and Major Jackson. I was on Lowell’s first Louder than a Bomb slam team. I performed When the Wars Begin as a sacrifice for a semi-final bout. I was the grand slam champion for the 2012 Youth Slam Team. I am currently the first person to the on both the Youth Slam Team and the Adult Slam Team at the same time.

Some things I am planning to do in the next year: Perform at the 2012 Dance 4 Peace! Slam and land a spot on the Lowell Cupsi Team! Compete in the Ontario International Poetry Slam in November!!!! Build my credentials and do extremely good for my first year at college so I can transfer and earn a spot at the First Wave program at the University of Wisconsin Madison!

My future is pretty much in the air right now. I don’t know where I’ll be exactly, I just want to be a rock star. But wherever I end up, I will still continue to write, grow, inspire, love, teach, preach, and… breathe. Just breathe. And be thankful for being so blessed with such good opportunities and friendships.

You may be thinking, Now what? But I’m like, Shhhhh.

I have been thinking about what to do next for a good whole month. And I’ve decided what my next project will be… I will continue to use my 365 project. I will be interpreting my poems in different forms of art. As much as I love poetry, I love art and passion in general. I am also a musician, illustrator, dancer, and inspiring film maker (I’m actually studying film in college!!). My new project will basically be a gallery of my own art. Each form of art will incorporate one or maybe even a few days, weeks, and months worth of poems. This will not be a 365, so it may be a challenge to stay focused!!!

So here I am! 18, crazy, in love, inspired… happy. I am so happy. This 365 project has helped me cope with my depression, anxiety, rape, and doubts. I thank you for reading so much. And I am SO grateful for your spirit, soul, and interest. Without you, this project wouldn’t have flourished the way it has. I wouldn’t be the artist I am today. So thank you. Thank you so much, friend. You have no idea how much you mean to me.

Warmth & Comfort,

Mars

day 364

I feel so

many emotions

right now.

It's almost 3 in the morning.

My heart is 

beating

five different senses.

I am so in love

with this project.

With all of the words.

They are my children.

And they're all just

a vision of yesterday

and yesterday's tomorrow

and tomorrow's last week

and these could be my last words.

It is day 364, loves.

Thank you for the eyes

ears

hearts

souls.

Thank you for the way

you have made me feel.

My passion is a passion

because you support me.

day 363

Confessions of an introvert:

1. It may be wrong
   but some days I pray for my cell phone
   to lose service
   to lose life
   to lose the fight to stay alive.
   I just don't want to talk to anyone today.
   Most days.
2. I try not to sound dramatic
   whenever I ask for a day to be alone
   but I end up making a huge scene.
   I need time
   all
   the
   time
   to recharge
   re-energize
   It's extremely exhausting
   talking to people
3. I just don't prefer being surrounded by people
   I hate big crowds
   I hate long conversations
   I hate people that only prefer to go to
   the mall, big dance parties,
   or small cafes
   just to be alone
   just to talk.
4. You honestly don't need to talk so much.
5. I honestly don't appreciate human beings that
   ask me
   What's wrong with you?
   Why are you so quiet?
6. ...
7. Why are you ignoring me?
8. I'M NOT IGNORING YOU
9. I just don't have the energy to speak
   too much time feeling uncomfortable
   and not enough time to feel happy
10. I am, too, uncomfortable when I am quiet.
11. I don't think anything is wrong with me.
    I have just learned to appreciate small talk,
    close friends, and good vibes.
    I don't think it's wrong to ask to be alone
    and I don't think it's wrong to prefer not to respond.
    Sometimes people say the darnest things.
    I'm not afraid of people.
    I just get burnt out.
    I'm so full of energy that it tires me.
    Drives me insane sometimes.
    I don't plan on changing this. This plays a huge part in my life.
    In who I am.
    If I wasn't an introvert, I wouldn't be the same.
    I wouldn't love what I love,
    and love who I love.
    I wouldn't be as lovable.

day 362

Poets are some sort of unknown specimen.
It's the new thing
the new trend
just grab your thoughts
and courage
Be brave
don't choke
don't forget
be brave
show them your soul
don't forget
don't choke on your nerves
the nerves are there for a reason
for two reasons
one to remind you to be scared
be brave but be fearful
don't choke
don't forget your lines
don't forget
don't forget why you wrote this poem
two
you
to the thinker behind the words
to the creator
you are a God
you can become your own savior
lose yourself in lost moments
find yourself with your own soul
your groove
you can make people dance
play puppeteer to bad structure
bad grammar
and bad spelling
don't forget
don't forget it doesn't matter
don't forget it will never be perfect
be brave
be who you are supposed to be
be your own creator

day 361

You must be under 6'3" to be an astronaut.




Thoughts of a 6'4" NASA employee named Houston.




They always told us we could be anything when we grew up
We could be doctors
engineers

rocket scientists...

I just wanted to fly.

I just wanted to help my Earth
my planet


I didn't want to play with fire
or save super heroes from evil villains

I just wanted to fly.

I worked my way up the ladder
from intern
to employee
to almost maybe
to almost an astronaut
to sorry bud,
you're just a little too tall
to the "Houston, we have a problem"
to the Houston,
we do have a problem
to the
you're just a little too tall
to almost maybe
to you could be whatever you want to be
if you just put your mind to it
to the Houston, we have a problem
to the Congratulations
we're promoting you
to the job as a technical engineer
to the
Houston
we have a problem
to the men stuck on the moon
I just wanted to fly

You wouldn't let me

day 360

5 MORE DAYS




Thank you
to the
that's-a-lot-of-writing

to the
Are you sure
you can commit to something
like this?

to the
Well
you're already blessed
with writing
this will probably be a breeze



Thank you
for the doubts
the growth
the eyes and the ears
the interest.

It has helped me
grow
in too many
ways.
I can only sit here and think

What's next?

day 359

Reasons why I love to dance

1. My body hasn't felt this healthy in avalanches,
   mud slides and tornadoes
2. Quitting all of my jobs has got to be the best
   decision I've ever made
   I've been able to eat less grease
   drink less sugar
   and think more positive
3. A clear mind clears gunk in the soul
4. Dancing enforces shaking the dirt out of my skin
5. It feels good to be tired for a reason
6. It feels good when people underestimate me and
   feel proud of me
   when they realize I could do something
   if I just put my mind to it
7. For a really long time,
   I finally feel together
   all of my mind, body & soul
   collaborating
   with beautiful bass
   with beautiful faces
   with love

day 358

After watching Katy Perry's Part of Me 3D
I have realized
that 
the deep gut feeling I've had in my stomach
are butterflies
getting ready to fly
I am getting ready to fly
I am ready to fly
I've spent the past few weeks feeling so
down
on myself
flying backwards
swimming without any limbs
Impossible to move forward when you dwell on your flaws
I have too many flaws
but they make me happy
I am destined to be something greater
and I will be
I will be something greater
I will be someONE
I will

day 357

You protect me
That's what we're meant to do
Protect each other from harm
from stranger glances
touches
and harsh words
You make me feel alive
You make me realize that I am alive
every pinch
every ounce of harm I've been exposed to
has been radiated by a thousand degrees
Feel like million dollar burns
There's no way you could ever build me new skin
You try to tell me
You try to protect me from self harm
(too many problems with my imagery)
I only see the beauty in strangers

day 356

What I've learned as an artist:
It's not always gold. It's hardly ever gold. The strive kills, but it's like air. Breathe. Never forget what you are passionate about, who you are, and how much you've grown.

day 355

10 MORE DAYS

I do not know where I will go after we are finished

I'm not sure 

where love carries on

how love carries on

but we will carry on

Jump onto my fingertips

it was nice holding onto you

you will forever be a part of me

I am so proud

to have grown with you

to have seen you grow into the 

novel I've suspected you to be

Thank you for being so welcoming

You are forever mine

day 354

There are probably no words
that can successfully describe how
accomplished I feel.
I am no way near where I could be
if I tried a million times harder than I have,
but I will take my earnings by the handful
and smile
and cry
and feel grateful
for all the inspiration around me
for all the love I have witnessed
for all the souls I have saved

day 353

Thoughts as you poop your pants:


Toilet
toilet
so close
oh my god
drive faster
PLEASE
oh my god
oh my god
oh my let me pray
let me convert to any religion that will heal my need to poop
poop god
poop jesus
sweet baby help me heal me
ok
HURRY
dont stop at the stop sign
do not stop
you don't need to stop
ok gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo



oh god
so close







i am so disappointed

day 352

I wondered why you were coughing.
It's how my body is. said
 It freaks out without the nicotine.




Today I found a cigarette in one of my purses.
I smoked it for a second
my stomach hurts now.


It's how my body is. said
 It freaks out with the nicotine.

day 351

I have such big dreams

too big of dreams 

some times I awe in wonder to how I can make things come true

it is my work that will help me in the end

it is my words that will help me

some times

i don't know what to say

or how to react

or 

or

or

some times

i am speechless

**my life has been a whirlwind of emotions

accomplishments

and failures

mostly proud failures

i am proud of my mistakes

day 350

They used to talk about sex like it was disgusting.
Now they talk like they're the first video vixens of our generation
They used to tell me my lack of breasts were a poor excuse for young womanhood
   used to tell me loose denim were for the big boys and the
dykes
   used to ask if i dreamed of their loose bodies when i spent time without them
   used to ask why i admired boys who looked like girls and girls that liked girls
and girls that admired girls that looked like boys who looked like boys

This is for the pretty girls who have ever questioned my intentions

***
There were never any soft stares that made me want to love you
The prettiest girls had the coldest stares
like refrigerator eyes soaking in their frozen souls
Let them thaw
let them soak in best intentions
let them talk about sex to you like they knew you wanted it
let them think you did
let them grow
watch them flourish
let them see you squirm
do not squirm
do not squirm at who laughs at who you love
you love who you love and love that you do

There were only two lovers who shared soft stares with me, soft hair, and soft words. Soft touches. Hard love

too hard to love purely again



We all love for the grime and elbow grease
You just want to cradle the heart of her sleeve between your softly nestled elbow 

day 349

I'm finding myself to be a lazy mother fucker





I am at ease to know this
it's so easy to fall asleep at night
it's so easy to fall
into anything

*You can relax, remember
to not become foolish*

day 348

My body feels so good
being worked
I love the adrenaline
the adrena
adrenaline in me
keeps my blood pushing forward
One more mile
one more push
more pedaling
more breathing
in and outs
and outs and in
you can do this
stretch
cool down
stretch
tone it
tone it down
breathe


breathe

You are alive
take care of your temple

day 347

Fireworks sound like war to me.

day 346

It felt nice doing nothing today
Just laying around  with no purpose
I admit
I have no money
but I don't think you can put a price on how I am feeling

day 345

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.



I cut off ties to what made me unhappy
I am stitching broken ties with new bonds to
hopefully
some day
be happy again.

I am feeling grateful for who I have become.

day 344

To the lovers sitting in the 2nd row

Eager to not miss a single blink

Just missed front row seats by a few fates

Thank you

To the hands of painters

Calloused and dirt poor but rich in the emotion they learn to swim in

Thank you

To the writers

Learning from their words

Writing to teach a few lessons

Sometimes

the truth is right in the softs cracks on your palms

Between the end of your finger nails filled with scratched out lines

And the very face of your finger tips

Kissing and

Making sweet, sweet love to bodies of ink

To the mothers

Sitting in any empty seat

Pregnant with hope

Eyes loving louder than a tuba

Than an untuned timpani

Than a childs broken in harmonica

To the love birds singing hand in hand

Matching missing harmonies

And bass riffs

The do re mi's

Of every dreams theme song

Thank you

To all the dancers

Catching every reflection

In passerbys driver windows

Driving the strive

To live

To grab life by its shoes

Dancing with friendly devils

We are all strangers in a way

Until we dance to the same lyrics

Thank you

To the childhood curfews

Dad never wanted me to see the sunrise with just anyone

I am missing a father

But to the men who never wanted me to see the sunrise with just anyone

Thank you

To the bed bugs

Sucking the dreams out of you

Thank you

To the mice of New York

The wild bears

And deer

And sometimes dandelions

Showing us that captivity can drive the tamest lion insane

Thank you

To the murderers

Of big dreams

And...

You are your own biggest critic.

I'm sorry that your blood, sweat, and tears had been cut short

But thank you

To the friends

Who constantly remind you to chase your dreams

To the ones that got away

With million dollar baby dreams

singing hallejuah at the aisle

Because they can finally marry their dreams

Thank you

To the lovers sitting in the last row

Eager to not miss a single breath

Still truckin

Still driving passion to be inspired

There are times a mile can seem too long and

A few feet sit in shoes unfamiliar

Dont forget the souls that love you

I repeat do not forget why you love so vividly

Why your senses become so alive with just a hint of baby screams

To all the lovers pregnant with hope

Sitting in seats accompanying lonely aisles

Thank you

You mean more than you could ever feel

day 343

"Everyone wants to be invisible"


Me too

There are days I can't speak
what I need to speak
need to say I can't breathe
cannot catch the breath to show love
to show you how much I can mean
to your universe






Might as well be invisible
I can change the planet
only if you wanted to see me do so.
I know you'll only know my face
when you are curious
with what you are seeing..

day 342

:::::BRAINSTORMING::::::



- bullets -




- Arlington
 - DearBorn
  -invisibility
- super strength
- super friendly
- I love these kids
- they inspire me
- must 
-write
-poem
-to do them justice

day 341

Happy birthday to the loveliest sister I have
(and only blood sister)




1
I don't think you can swim
There have been too many times I've caught you crying
Caught you drying tears like your life has depended on it
2 You must have trained yourself
to be so stealthy
and strong
3 I don't know if you know that drowning is beautiful
Immerse yourself in the beach tears you try to avoid
Learn that you are beautifully broken
4
You are so beautiful
It is hard to swim to shores close enough to
gargle out the words you need to hear

day 340

The one day break was meaningful
Showed me
I really do not like my job
but it's a job
I suppose I am not supposed to like it
What's the supposed to mean anyway

day 339

Men don't have X ray vision.

I just want you to see more into me.

day 338

TO a butterfly losing his wings:

Some moths never eat anything as adults because they don't have mouths. They must live on the energy they stored as caterpillars.

You have a mouth

Lack of appetite can confuse broken stomachs and

empty lungs

but I know you taste air with your toes

You always have

Playing footsies with lovers you confuse for fixed appetites

and I'll worry about her tomorrow

and I'll worry about her tomorrow

and I'll worry about 

being hungry

and I'll worry about confusing moths for

butterflies

and I'll worry about her tomorrow

And you will breathe

and call me crazy

but it's only because I live off of the air you refuse to fly in

I watched you fly over words that made you feel like dying

Watched them slice you

Watched as you dodge hail like bullets

Watched you dance to lyrics you haven't thought of yet

Watched and watched and

watched as you crashed into sinking ghost ships

Moths refuse to fly when they are cold

while butterflies just fly to their death beds

I remember the first time we made love

I am sure I got rid of my still born cocoon

We sipped on black coffee and I tapped my fingertips

on you until our souls grew stale

We loved to free the demons that have been sailing on

ghost ships inside of us

Some nights the moths of your past still haunt me

They come in gangs of shadow puppets

hiding in my closet

Like clothing myself is a way of protection

And we got close

And you came closer

close enough for me to reach

and stroke your body like an 

upright bass

until the symphony orchestra playing for ghost bodies turned

stale with bad notes

I played harp for you

I didn't think I would pluck your wings off like

inspiration spiraling into brick heads

We were always meant to open up like butterflies

Together.

There are nights I lay with you

and I wonder what stopped you from flying.

day 337

I wonder too much

I wander too much

Too much time to wonder 

about wandering

wondering where i'll wander to

next

day 336

There are too many poems I'd like to write
not enough inspiration I've been capturing
I've been lacking the beauty inside myself
  all the beauty I'd ever need
  to feel beautiful
  is being cradled between my fingertips
  right now.



That's what I'm supposed to convince myself
I can be something beautiful
something pretty to look at
makes all the pretty boys want to hold my hand
want to marry me

I want to marry you
and that's all you have to say
and I'll run away
and feel so
pretty
and you'll run away
from me
and  you'll feel so
pretty


There are too many poems I'd like to write
too many pretty boys I'd like to hold
with finger tips melting onto my skin
it burns
with some sort of passion
I want to marry you
so I will
but I won't




Lately I've been caught up in all different types of wrongs
all different types of jealously
I'd love to write so many poems
I'd love to write about how madly in love I am
but it upsets me to do so
To do so would cure a blind man's madness


I wonder how a blind man pictures beauty
I may be going blind from madness

day 335

My immune system has failed at keeping me safe once again

day 334

I do these things for a reason.
I have too many reasons to love
to care
and I care too much that I end up
sacrificing
what could be a bright new start
for myself.

What is the lesson of this story

what if some stories are just sky scrapers
with no businesses
there is no business to care about yourself
let alone others
who won't let you care about them

day 333

going to the beach
 in 96 degree weather seems exciting


it is

until your skin feels like it is melting
and you are so hot
it is so hot
it is too hot out there
dont go outside
dont let it get to your head
do not become hot headed
too hard to become hot headed
heat strokes while i'm stroking your hearts soul
it is too hot

day 332

My nails are way too
long. I feel like Mr. Ed

                 ward Scissorhands...

day 331

I'm pretty  sure I had blogged on Monday
via cell phone
(technology is unreliable)




**

I do not believe that I am hard working
I just have become more used to
working
to feeling very tired
and tired
and money rolls in all the time
but i can't seem to slide along

day 330

I am attempting to write something beautiful
I would like to dedicate today to Jasper Som
my fiancè...

It is so lovely
how we have learned to live so lively
Loved so lively
Every breath expanding heavy lungs next to balloon sized hearts
You said you had a small heart

You probably do
With your sense of self and self greed
But you love like a hot air balloon

It is so hard to keep each other grounded
but you're doing well
You're doing well
We're doing well

day 329

home
this is where i live
you changed the locks on your doors
am i left allone
no
you only want to love me when im drunk
when my heart is completely aware
yes
i am in love
i love you

dont treat me like dirt.




























flowers can still grow where grass has turned into dirt

day 328

You see
i had to  do it for a reason
i had to love another to show you i can
i had to tell you i could love you without
loving you
and i am loving another
and he is loving me
and where are you to be found



tonight i wanted to say help
but you were no where to be reached
i wanted you to save me before i
loved another


i mingled, hearts tingled,
but i am back in my bed
and this is the first of the long nights
this is onily the first
onlye the fierst

day 327

Can you spare a dollar
Can yoy spear a dollar
Singing
Boston streets
Tell me where your family lives
where the daggers spill blood
only a daughter can smell
it will linger
it will linger


this was never published

day 326

You can only feel so small.

day 325

Wake up
I need you to leave
I can't even cry anymore

I need you to leave

I woke up to poetry today.
I woke up to poetry.

day 324

I know he loves me
It is his love that wounds together
everything that should be
Put together.
Gears of a clock all work in sync
When your hands love my body
It seems like time is all we can fall in love with

day 323

I am just worried about getting someone upset.
The love from the night was so

.
.
.lovely.

I am missing almost every adventure
we failed to complete.

1
Pretending to climb trees made of
acid
and neon
and lost hopes
and maybe this is what fate is

I mean we are here,
right?
Portable toilets and empty sand lots
with trees

Imagine what a tree would say
if you asked about it's life


2 Pretending to climb trees made of
hidden lakes and
drunken song verses
and
cheap balloon thrills
We smoke cigarettes like we are addicted
Like the nicotine is the only way
we can feel complete without each other

3

Pretending to not think of you
every time we smoke pot on quiet street corners
The party is over there guys
the party is under trees
pretending to be drunk


They'll make love to trees hugging onto
liquor and whiskey and sober wishes
4 Pretending to climb trees
but finding open bodies of water
almost wanting to open bodies and
glue them together
What shouldn't be should be
and what should be
should stay this way
It feels so good pretending to climb trees
Feels so good

because we are sober.

day 322

I just wanna go out and
Not worry about having to worry about this later
Just wanna think with my hands
gonna act with my hands tonight
Not gonna worry about having to worry about this later

***ill worry about this later..

day 321

A customer had daisies growing around his house

Daisies are my favorite

Are those....daisies, sir?!?!
Yes! Wild daisies. They grow like weeds. Especially around the high way.

***
I am a dandelion turned Daisy
With pretty little petals
I've been touched before
Stung by sweet honeybee words but
Some days I grow like weeds
Grow like
I don't feel like doing anything today
But I will
And I will grow
And you don't want to do anything today
But you will
You will drive on wandered highways
Stay lost
And lay with sweet honey bees
Who speak words to make flower petals
Grow
And you will grow

day 320

Back to pen and paper: vol I forgot
It's my first day delivering
Pizzas
And subs
And
I'm a bit afraid of giving people what they want
***
Maybe size does matter

day 319

Open letter to my high school class:


We did it

I'm sure it was easy for others
some a little too difficult
but whatever it was for you
it is what shaped you into the person you
will continue to grow into.

There will be times you will give up
will stop believing
will stop loving
Do not stop yourself from feeling like this
There will be a moment you will find yourself
and smile
chuckle a bit
That wasn't worth worrying over


***
Stay beautiful, friends

day 318

Tomorrow is a big day.
Not sure if I feel sad yet.


No reason to be sad


***
You eventually leave when you are supposed to.

day 317

I lay here
every
almost every
night
almost every black out

You used to hide during the day
Only spoke before deep slumbers
we used to sleep so soundly underneath swaying branches
Used to sway each other like branches
So used to loving you like this

I am not sure if we are still in love.
I am comfortable
Always am with any lover
You have grown so used to calling yourself different
No
Nothing is different, honey.
You can always collect the same sweet sap from any kind of kissing tree.
Just remember to go in pairs
Sleep soundly underneath pear trees
Maybe wish that this pair isn't strange
Maybe we wish too often not to be strangers.

day 316

We listen to old school hip hop
and smoke cigarettes
Today I almost burned your eyebrows off
by accident
I giggled

Imagine how funny it would be if you had no eyebrows

day 315

Jalapenos

Halls filled with spices
this is how anger smells
how
being
able to
hate
someone
can smell
Smells like
trapped heat in restaurant kitchens
drives you mad
makes you sick
sick
sick
someone
makes you sick
you make me  sick

day 314

I got a paper cut on my elbow on Monday
at work

Tomorrow is the next day I am working

coincidentally
my elbow hurts more than its ever hurt before
and I am having nightmares of getting paper cuts
every
time I
close my eyes to dream.
Waiting sucks but
I'll be happy

day 313

She walked by walkers
walking with walkers
on the brightest
gloomiest
afternoon
that day.
And everyone walked.


You're all walking.
All walking in sync
to each other's lives.
We are all somehow synced
somehow
threaded together.
Stitch and hold high
highly hold yourself
stitched together
in pieces
only you can feel.

day 312

we are growing together
It is difficult to avoid
growing forgetful
Sometimes I cannot bring myself to remember how much I love you
and how much you love me.

Our love feels like baby ducklings
following their courageous mother
through ponds, puddles,
and unpaved paths.
We're all in this together.
It'll save our lives.

day 311

I feel so powerful in black.
So brave


***
I've always been courageous
I've seemed to forgotten about this trait
**
Never forget how brave you are
how strong-hearted
how lion-hearted
how much you have grown
just within yourself

day 310

I honestly hate my job
Dread going into work most days
But its one of those things you have to do..
So i will suck it up

Reminds me I must work as hard as I can
Spin myself into a wonderland
One day.

day 309

back to pen and paper vol 12

I'd love to live on my own
just my own
with my goldfish and my pup
box crate tables
and air mattress
comforts
I'd be way happier that way

day 308

back to pen and paper vol 11

Somehow
I am always finding myself
alone
not lonely
never lonely
just with myself
it's ok
i tell myself
it's ok

day 307

back to pen and paper vol 10

i have all the support i could ever need

sometimes i stress out for
no reason
but there are reasons
more than one reason at least
i just feel a tad bit. . .
worried
self conscious
what if i did my art strictly for my own enjoyment
that's what art is supposed to be like right?
but everyone wants to feel supported.

day 306

Feeling so stressed out
Just want to be adored
I want to be a rock star more than anything
I want to be loved by passerbys

***
Today a man on a motorcycle pulled over as I was walking.
Said
Hello

Hi
And giggled
I did

You are gorgeous
You are SO gorgeous
Come take a ride with me
said

No thank you
Giggle

I did
***

I dyed my hair red
And purple
And dark brown
Within the past three days
I just wanna be a rockstar.

I just want to be someones rock.
I am not going anywhere.
For awhile.

day 305

1 I've spent almost a year convincing myself that I am beautiful
It hits hard when you don't feel an ounce of pretty
2 I get angry too quick
3 Yesterday I had a panic attack
When I tell someone to STOP
more than once
I grow more anxious
4 Sometimes you just can't stop crying
5 Sometimes I want to cry for days and days and days
6 Yes. I WAS RAPED. THAT DOESN'T CONTRIBUTE TO MY LACK OF BEAUTY. That doesn't fucking
7
Fuck
you
8 My goodness
9 I will heal somehow
I will heal
This will heal
I will heal someday
Hopefully completely
but I am losing hope
10 I am losing hope
I am losing beauty

day 304

love to end the night
 still in love with you
 our pillows missed you dearly
  as did i.

day 303

The blue can consume everything you claim home. There are times when you question your ability to be loved. You are lovable.

day 302

I'll have a garden in my backyard
one full of life
makes you feel like living
makes the sunshine look like an amateur
we all just want to be on top
the biggest squash to squish them all
demolish all competition
you are lost in
thorns and
cat tails
dandelion useless singing sirens
the dying weeds will die

day 301

Yes
 I'd love to quit
 some days
 When my wrists get
 a little too heavy
 to hold up my words

***
They don't just flow out like that. They don't just
magically
find a way from my brain
to my fingertips

***
When they finally find air
these words will dry
and stick together
It has become difficult
to pull each letter back into my
brain

Must remember what I've written
must spit out words through
tongue
and out to inspire
baby sparks
on a stranger's fingertips

** On some days
I'd love to quit
When my wrists get a little too
disappointed
Too many long faces in such a short span of
time

Are you sure this is what you'll do forever
No
But I am certain
The passion will live on and on
and
on
and on
until my house burns down
and I build a home
of
letters
and ladders
stacking them up
and higher
make my words high
Fly with them
I want to inspire your best friend's
stranger
her stranger's fingers

We're all a little uncertain
some days
Some days I'd love to quit

But I refuse to let my words become strangers.
I refuse to let my passion
burn itself out.

day 300

day 300!

At this point in my career I've:

1. Performed with my team at the BNV 2011 Finals
2. Started this 365 project, 300 days ago
3. Debuted Autumn #17
4. Gotten published in Lowell's very own Young Angel Midnight Anthology (I'm the baby of the book)
5. Taught a poetry workshop to really smart college kids at Harvard University's BAASIC 2011
6. Found my soul
7. Taught students from Lawrence's Wetherbee Middle School
8. Placed 2nd in the Jack Kerouac Poetry Competition
9. Performed Autumn #17 at the Mayor's Inauguration due to his request
10. Slammed and advanced to the semi finals for the Mill City Slam Team
11. Earned a spot to slam at the Ontario International Poetry Slam in November 2012
12. Debuted When the Wars Begin
13. Competed with Lowell's very first Louder Than a Bomb Slam Team
14. Performed When the Wars Begin at LTAB Semi Finals (and scored 9.1 and above as a sacrificial poet)
15. Performed Snapple Fact with my team at LTAB and our kick off show
16. Performed at the 2012 Take Back the Night Event
17. Accepted my rape
18. Became stronger
19. Taught poetry workshops to the children at the Robinson Middle School
20. Slammed in front of my best friend for the very first time
21. Gotten asked to perform When the Wars Begin at the opening ceremony for Mass Poetry's Poetry Festival
22. Shared the stage with Major Jackson, Maggie Dietz, and Robert Pinsky
23. Earned the title of the 2012-2013 Lowell Youth Slam Team's GRAND SLAM CHAMPION
24. Made a long list

day 299

Back to pen and paper vol 9

But it's such a bittersweet feeling
to feel so light
making music so heavily

and everything is so influenced
by music
by universal language
There are no da Vinci codes to learn
just notes
take notes
breathe
notes.

day 298

feelin sorry for yourself is

feelin sorry

feelin sorry

feelin sorry for yourself is

feelin sorry

feelin selfish

no one ends your own story

no one knows

your twists and your turns

no one ends your own story

where you love

is your

golden chamber

fill the void in your soul

fill it once

seal it

with gold

no one ends your own story

you create

you own twists and turns

feelin sorry for yourself is

feelin sorry

feelin sorry

feelin sorry for yourself is

feelin sorry

feelin selfish

whose idea was to surface

swim the shore

with passion stained eyes

youre in charge of your rip tides

divin low now

swim high

feelin sorry for yourself is

feelin sorry

feelin selfish

feelin sorry for yourself is

dont be sorry

dont be selfish

My newest song

day 297

Open letter to my city:
There is comfort...
in your soul.
yes
some days,


It may be hidden
Under shelves of broken in book bindings


The smell of a vacant library
always seemed appealing
to the people hungry for new titles












(this will be finished when i remember
how much i love my city)

day 296

back to pen and paper vol 8

"You are so tiny" "I've never
realized how
small
you really are"

I am a small person
With big dreams
big
big
dreams
gargantuan
elephant shoes and
locking all of my
ambitions in a trunk
hiding it in the attic
I don't have
My mind will have
to do for now
remind myself
Yes
you are tiny
you are so
small
so
fragile,
but you are still
capable of loving
living
dreaming
you are a dreamer deep
down inside
sometimes
too ambitious
but you've always
done things with love
bigger than your
passion
Yes
you are tiny
you are so
small
so fragile,
but you are safe in your dreams.

day 295

Who is MARS
and where could Mars be


My mother calls me Mars
  I believe she wants me to grow into something more
COLOSSAL 
but I am a new planet everyday


but I am a new
I am a new planet
everyday
from happy to bitter to
scared
to
scared

I get scared sometimes.
Sometimes
too fearful

                Jasper gets fearful when he realizes I scare myself too much
you are too much of an inspiration, love
if you can't inspire yourself
to realize how grand things can be


then how will i convince you
...


I have never used the word scared
or afraid
or fearful
to describe myself
ever
I am so strong-hearted
courageous
and brave
they call me crazy for a reason


I'm afraid of rape.
Again.

day 294

It makes me so upset that I have to
 put my dreams on hold
 **


Why is it called
PUTTING ON HOLD
when I am
                   FAR
from even being able to
HOLD onto them.
And sometimes
the reality of being alive
and living
has to get in the way of
pursuing what makes me
happy.

What am I going to do with my life

I can't enjoy a Saturday night
saying what I really want to say
feelin how I really want to feel
Putting all jokes aside
I've been so blank

apathetic

just plain sad
lately

But it's okay.
I'll just hold it all in
keep my blues to myself
 during another 8 hour shift.
 My dreams are dead tonight
tomorrow night
yesterday night
Monday night
Tuesday night



I wish I was born rich and

happy.

day 293

It isn't too difficult to make me feel uncomfortable.

day 292

I hate that I love so immensely
So passionately
It is so hard to say I Hate You and mean every bit of it

Beginning to believe every bit of it.

day 291

I feel like tomorrow
Is the push
I've been needing to do
In weeks.

I can't wait to feel so many emotions
Until I grow apathetic again

Le sigh?

day 290

I'm finding
myself
to be a much
more
reserved
person.
 I am
 a friend
 and a friendly
 friend.
I feel sad,
almost uncomfortable
at how much
I don't want people
to know about
my life.
It is so easy
to find out
what I did
yesterday
and what I did
three years
ago.
Everything is private
now.
Closed off
and it sings like
a happy
island.
All distant and
soaking the
sun.

day 289

I wish my childhood was drowned more in Marvel
than Pokemon.

Pokemon only reminds me of my ex boyfriend now.

So childish
and
naive, I was.

day 288

Soon enough
you'll become broken record girls
with broken record souls
that grab at you in nights of intimacy

"Love me harder
Like
Like
Love
Love me
Like
You
Me
Harder"

day 287

I still haven't told my mother

that I'm moving to New York in the fall.
I should do that today...
maybe now...

but it is so
hard
to tell someone you've
changed your mind

It's like trying to tell myself I don't love you anymore
because I do
but you're right
I am too quick to gamble what we have
I've always been a little
too
free spirited

But that's what you love about me,
right

day 286

I don't have time or energy to do what everyone wants me to do for them
No I don't have time to respond to you
Even if you are right there
in front of me
right under my nose
I don't have the energy to speak to you
to you
to
you

day 285

OPEN LETTER TO MY IMMUNE SYSTEM












WHAT DID I DO
BABY COME BACK
YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON ME
NO REALLY THOUGH
WHAT DID I DO


WHY ARE YOU GONE...




OR DID I NEVER HAVE YOU
IN THE FIRST PLACE...

day 284

I'm really beginning to have second thoughts on the rest of my life.
College is supposed to...
today I don't have the energy or
mood to say what I feel like saying

I wish I had gone a different path
chose a different major
But you haven't tried it  yet
I know
I know I haven't
but how can I look forward to something
I can't even pay for

in gum

day 283

As of the first of May

I will call the ER
my second home,

day 282

I love good company
and surrounding myself in good spirits



***
there are some spirits i cant stand
must sit in rooms five hundred feet away
sometimes i grow out of breath thinking of
all the things i can grow to hate about you

day 281

I love when my boss puts flowers in my hair
It reminds me of how precious I am,
How
Gentle and
Delicate
I am.
It reminds me that I am capable of being loved

day 280

Back to pen and paper vol 8
taking care of myself
Is way more work
Than just words
My body needs to love me
Too

day 279

(I just realized that my dates on here were way wrong. Sorry...for looking like a time traveler....hehe)

1.
I miss being in my mother's home
She has made it so warmth
so full of life
even though it is empty
wall to wall

2. She must be extremely lonely when I'm gone
And when I'm gone
I'm gone for days
Whether physically or just
mentally.
I haven't been anywhere close to Earth in a while.
This must change.

3.
I am a good person
with a huge heart
Hands are a little on the small side
but I can still warm you with
baby fires
I apologize for not being there
here
there
here
never here
never able to hear what
you want me to say
for their souls
to warm up their empty glass homes
It gets cold easily
without a baby in the house

4. I apologize for ruining the live space
dead load system in this home.
I learned about this in my first period
Engineering class.
Sometimes I don't even want to be in school
because of that class.
I've spent the last 4 years
wanting to be a vet
to an engineer
to an architect

5. I only strayed away from being a vet
because I couldn't bring myself to
throw away a dying baby mouse
on a glue trap in my mother's kitchen.
Who's home would be ruined
if their baby was squealing in a trash can
somewhere
Not mine
but someone's

6.
I didn't want to be an engineer anymore because
I couldn't figure out what concentration I wanted to focus on.

Environmental!
Oh you should do chemical,
you can make make up
No! I want to be a mechanical engineer
Maybe I can put clocks together
Freeze time when I want
or just speed up times
even though that shouldn't be allowed to happen

I've always done horrible in math
since the 8th grade
I don't understand

I can't stand being a mathematician
How many times would I have to solve problems
Sometimes I have my own problems
Way too many of my own

7. I really hope that architecture will be my forte...
I really hope I don't screw up in college...
I really hope
I don't
screw up a stranger's house
Who's home would be ruined
if their baby was squealing in a trash can
somewhere
Not mine
but someone's

day 278

I am finding myself
More and more
Excited to fall
More and more
In love
With the love of my life
There is no other
Heart I'd like to learn
No other hand to hold
You are so..
SO golden
to me (Jasper)

day 277

TAKE BACK THE NIGHT
If I tried to take back the nights
I'd be way too exhausted
trying to sleep my way through these
nightmares
You hand wrapped in pretty boxes
You're such a pretty girl,
a lovely young girl,
you have so much going for yourself
And you are a sad, sad person.
For using and abusing
leaving me scarred with no evidence
This is to leave the nights as soundly
but silent they were.
You regret this
everyday of your life
I tell myself this everyday.
I do not hate you.
I will not hate myself.
I know my worth.

day 276

I can only sit and wonder what lives I'm missing.

day 275

Alejandro loves
To swim and dance and party
Good thing he's neutered

(A haiku about my goldfish)

day 274

My life is a sitcom

1. I ended up going to work 5 hours late a few days ago. I was stuck in beach traffic for like 7 hours.

2. My best friends and I went out to eat in Allston for one of their birthdays. After dining in for about an hour and a half, we realized that my car was towed.

I owe her cousin $130.

3. The next night, I performed my culture piece When The Wars Begin and opened up the Massachusetts Poetry Festival for some dope poets. (Major Jackson, Maggie Dietz, and ROBERT PINSKY)
That shit cray.

4. Last night I was admitted to the ER due to a stomach virus and extreme dehydration. That shit was crazy.

My life is amazing. I love my life and I am still blessed and extremely happy. I mean, I'm still alive and living.

day 273

Wake up
Stomach hurts
(there's no baby, don't worry)
Is there something you need to tell me
I don't drink
or smoke
or party
I perform my poetry with
Robert Pinsky
They fed me lobster rolls

Boyfriend makes me an omelet
It was okay
Stomach hurts
Goes back to bed
Wakes up at 2 14pm
Gets ready for work
Troops to the bathroom
(diarrhea ouch)
Shower
Throws up all the omelets I've eaten in the past 18 years
Showers
Fever and headache
Troops to boyfriend's sister's room
Knocks out

**
My body got rid of everything I took in

I remember falling over on the toilet
And screaming at the top of my lungs for help
Boyfriend knocks door open

Throws up everything

Do you want to go to the hospital
(I think she should go to the hospital)

I knock out and end up in the ER
in a wheelchair
Hair looking like Wolverine's lover
feeling like his professor

They fed me popsicles
my best friends came to visit
It was midnight
They fed me popsicles
(and saline
through an IV)
The nurses were nice
I had bad gas

That was my Saturday night

day 272

I think...that I am this much closer to changing the world.

I am a mouse
Quiet when I feel like my identity will be heard
Researched
I never want to be brought down, from what I do, who I surround myself with and what I strive for.
Tonight I will be praised
A pat on the back for my words
What world do I seem eager to be on top of?
I seem like such a powerful woman

I am only 18.
How much can the world and people around me actually change?

I never talk about my poetry life with anyone, unless I'm required to. Unless someone else brings it up. Is this just a humble mindset or am I afraid
Of setting myself up for failure

Whatever it is
Fear is blind.
I am feeling the hearts of lions
Thump and jump
And love

Watch me as I love the sight of eyes watching me.

day 271

Wanting to explore every road your body has to offer

every toe print imprinted onto the bottom of my bed sheets

"we'll sleep soundly tonight"

and you repeat again as i am soundly asleep

we will sleep soundly tonight

wake up an hour later

to roll over and realize that i am gone

i was never really there to begin with

i've always been here..

day 270

Its been four days since I've slept lonely
Not sure if I miss being lonely
Just know that I am still alone
Alone is
Waking up in the middle of the night
Having to shoot your brains out
From a horrible dream
But finding the comfort in yourself to fall back asleep

You are in my peripherals
Every time I stretch open eyelids
And jaws

day 269

Back to pen and paper vol 7
You are five steps away from your childhood.
Five steps away from lovers you never loved
Just lusted
And years apart from distance
Hearts grow stronger in the essence of time
What makes you think we have all the time in the world

day 268

Back to pen and paper vol 6
You sleep upside down.
And its not like its a bad thing
Maybe you want to
Be on the cooler
Much colder
Side of life
Feel numb from all the
Unfinished promises and
Unfurnished living room spaces
You are alone for a reason
Destined to be alone not lonely
There is a difference you are searching for
A difference

day 267

Ghosts honestly scare the crap out of me. But why?
They are humans in another form
You change from cocooning little caterpillars
to butterflies as an effort to cater to yourselves
why are empty bodies so scary
why are we afraid of things
we cannot change

day 266

Mama
I do not want to be an architect anymore
I no longer see myself wanting to design
homes for people searching for a roof top sanctuary.
I would much rather
build a home for broken souls

***
You see,
the thing about broken people is...
they feel whole with jars of hope
half full.
hour glasses
of bottle lipped women
half empty.
Some times
the times fly quicker
spread wings like eager virgin church girls


We all just want to fly some times
We all just want to soar
to roar
cheer
shout, hear rustling leaves on the bottom of our
backs slipping into angel dimples
hear soft moans on newborn skin
I forget how it feels to be virgin some times.
To be completely whole
and pure
and natural
organic
I am one of those labeled food cans
donate me to a hunger shelter
I will hold you
and make you feel whole
but I do nott think you understand how far my wings can take me
on my own
I can walk on them
Stand on them, convince you that it is Autumn
in the middle of a tornado Summer
blow away house top roofs but
Mama doesn't know that I no longer wish to design roof tops
No
Rather spread my wings and let you hold me
let you
soar with me
til all the dead Autumn leaves turn red
and golden

"Stay golden my beautiful girl
stay golden
Stay golden my beautiful girl"
That is what my parents want
A trophy wife for a rich man
A smart man
That I will design kitchen counters smooth enough for our elbows to bump
and create crackling sounds of flexible backs
on
Making home made jars of love in a house made kitchen
I no longer wish to be an architect
I wish to fly and spread my wings to empty churches
Fill them like first time virgins
Lose my mind and dance mindlessly
into the arms of a broken soldier
**
where is your soul, you beautiful boy
where is your soul
I do not wish to build homes for lonely soldiers

Maybe temples


Bring your old virgin bodies
lay them to rest here
"Stay  golden my beautiful girl
stay golden
Stay golden my beautiful girl"
build temples with your broken souls
There is a reason why churches build around stained glass windows
They are made from the glass they prevent you from bleeding Autumn red with
on tornado Summer nights
while making love to soldiers looking for their dead souls
We all fight battles some times
We all build walls around our temples
wishing to stay golden
even if we're only half full
I've lost the other half of me trying to design safe havens
for the church girl dignities who love their mothers but hold lovers that dance mindlessly

day 265

A hundred days from now,
it will be the one year anniversary
of the beginning of my life.

day 264

Hopeless romantic
my lover is set at seas fifty Red seas away from me
It is stained with the blood of imaginary lovers
of lovers like me
wishing to be loved back as much as I please


***
Sometimes I bleed colors of your words.

day 263

I am
trying to keep you
to myself
not knowing this is wrong
I should not be holding you
back
keep you pushing
forward
and I want to keep on
keeping on
sometimes not with you
but now more than ever
It is a needy feeling
Need
you
to move this day forward
Time is stopping between
the minutes and seconds of not
seeing
you
being with
you
You

day 262

I am a lover
waiting for the hands of a broken barrier
to come cut identity
from my finger tips

Sometimes
when we hold hands
I want to twirl myself
into man made ditches
filled and unfilled
time and time again
Is that what your past lovers felt like

day 261

wanting to
sleep all day
and night
just sleep
sleep
sleep

day 260

I haven't written a love poem in about a year.

My last love poem was about my heart breaking

sinking

in seas we prefer to not sing about.

I have been sinking again

but in a sea full of reds

and pinks and golds

and ivory.

day 259

OPEN LETTER TO THE BIGGEST BADDEST.....Canadian..

1
You have stolen the title of
best friend
with a hand gun made from cotton candy
sweet baby Jesus promises
sent straight from unicorn
heaven
itself

2
Although I will probably see you once
a year
it will become a tradition
To feel your spirit in person is such a gift itself
it should only be felt when expected
Those around you daily are
THE
LUCKIEST
mother fuckers
I'll ever know

Bless their souls

3
The last night I saw you,
you chased me down a dorm hall
with a stranger's DD bra.
It was honestly the scariest
and funniest
and funnest
and scariest
moment of my life.
Would I replay that moment again?





Well, no
but at least I'll never forget it.

4
We are brother and sister
I love you
never gonna hate you
always gonna protect you
from evil wizards wearing
fake capes
and false hopes kinda
afraid to let some witchcraft
black magic
scoop down and
steal the other from the other.
It is a two for one deal
Partners in crime
We are the mother fucking
wizards
Shaking the pixie dust from
phony little bitch wizards
ASK ME WHO YOU ARE AFRAID OF
I won't have an answer
Only because I'd rather be
blind to what you fear.
For that would be greater than
darkness.
Being blind
is a curse.

5
If one day you should become blind
become ill
become hopeless
my strong
big
bad
wolf puffin Canadian

fly, my dude.
Just fly.
I am a two hour flight
a (>$500) two hour flight
But huff and puff your way here
with unicorn security by your side
it is safe
IT WILL ALWAYS BE SAFE

day 258

When you close your eyes for just a second, don't you feel the world spinning right before your finger tips...? You are blind to what is free. Some days.

day 257

I met Carrie Rudzinski
in a crowded poetry bar's basement bathroom
We bumped elbows.

I said
Wow
You are so pretty
(marry me)

She said
Hah
You are pretty, too


She sacrificed that night
and I realized she was that night
that night.

day 256

My day is a wall plug.
Feel warmth through the opportunities
rushing through welcome spaces.
May be dark til passion reawakens in
you, brightens the auras of seven
past lovers, yes yours. Around the newly
wedded us.
I will hear what I want to hear. Hear what
makes you want to squirm.
At the first sound of a crackle,
didn't you remember the girl who first broke your heart,
don't you ever forget.
I don't.
Makes me want to scream
THIS IS NOT A BROKEN HEART
more like a heart on a wall plug charger
We are regenerating for future purposes
for future divorces
future broken in homeless shelters.
Smells like home all fried and frizzled
broken into like those new comforters
have found some an owner
or two. Smells mostly like
two lovers dicing sour limes,
one for the road and one for the whiskey
they'll pretend to drink sober
pretend to do a drunk dance sober
out of pure sanity
You want to do a crazy dance
with me
Feel it once, you taste it once you feel this day
is  nothing like a wall plug.
And this is not a broken heart
I am telling you
You are charging away at
bullshit excuses, bullshit reasons to
let a thief into your home.
You spell everything
without a backbone.
You fight it all
without anything.

day 255

You see a glimpse of the star you could be and
Quickly draw a halo around it,
Pull it closer towards you without realizing the noose around your dreams

Being too eager is deathly

day 254

At this point in my life
I am not sure where I want to be or
who I can see myself completing missions with.
I just want to be hand in hand with my poetry
I am there. Never letting go, fist full of truth and honesty. Honestly getting lost in my art is the best kind of surrendering to do. I've said hello to white flags way too often but this blank canvas has proved to be the most satisfying

day 253

My mother refuses to support anything I do. This piece will be finished when I feel worthy.

day 252

You will always feel an array of welcomes from a crowd of poets.
This is the beauty of our art. We live poetry like a sport, but never forget about good sportsmanship. We are the people you should want to be.
Don't understand why people stereotype us as dark
depressed
Don't understand we are story tellers
Not going to apologize for being truthful
The tears you see are tears you can learn from
Build a canoe of words and conquer your fears
a little grime never hurt

day 251

I am never sure of how asleep you are
if you are just feeling like falling
because its late and you're tired of being up
playing soft snores and ear drum whispers. that is a lovers lullaby
and you sing it so well

day 250

wearily talking about attackers
on fifty different planes
where is your safety today
I will pin you two on two
one for your beloved and three for your children
who will never hear your sorrows and your song cries
this is your bittersweet punishment.

you throw away your troubles
trade it in for a baby or five
one for each aisle
one for each aisle.

day 249

#481 Over 50 percent of your body heat is lost through your neck and head.

I am gently holding on to all the warmth I’ll ever need with my bare fingertips.

A love lost can force me to lose my sanity, but never my sincerity. Leave me wandering in haunted Artic caves. I can make a home out of anywhere.

#13 Cats have over 100 vocal chords.

I find no problem in expressing who the fuck I am. To the girl who often leaves to get lost, you have a song cry for every crime you could commit. Sing freely. You will find your voice when you free the flying burdens in your bird cage.

#77 No piece of paper can be folded more then 7 times.

This is the 7^th year anniversary of my rape.

I’ve grown a big ego holding such a secret from people who don’t care. Sound proof basements replay the 100 vocal chords of freedom I should have sung too many times. You will never be able to own me, to fold me in books of women you have won. I will never be someone’s origami crane.

#192 Jupiter spins so fast that there is a new sunrise nearly every ten hours.

My mother calls me Mars. I believe she wants me to grow into something more colossal. But I am a new planet every day. I create song bird harmonies with every 9 lives I lose. This is not called rebirth. It is more like being alive, living, and letting the warmth heat up the sun. I am Light. You are bonfire origami cranes during the 7th month of the year. I have made a home out of this ash.

day 248

sitting in my car at 11 pm
a Tuesday night

I've grown accustomed to not sleeping early now. my mind is always racing and my feet somehow always want to drag myself back

to you.
and I still feel so horrible when I think about you and the girls you've loved
and learned to love who loved to leave and left you for boys who could obviously learn how to love them correctly.

2. sometimes I feel like holding this piece of me to myself makes it seem like I'm holding a secret from the rest of the world. I feel like there should be a greater way to tell strangers I am a rape victim.

I guess that's how you will learn how I love
and learn how to love me, correctly.
this is not directed to you. this is directed to the girl in the navy blue hoodie wearing nothing else but her dignity. I know you've been hurt too.

3. I often speak to myself indirectly, as a way to not feel so distant from human interaction.

it is 11 09pm
on a Tuesday night.
I was raped on a Tuesday night.
not this Tuesday night
or any Tuesday nights near this night.
sadness, eventually catches up to you. to my youth.

day 247

I wonder if I am one of those girls that seem effortlessly pretty.
Because I don't spend too much time trying to look good to standards.
I have short hair,
I have trimmed down on the eyeliner,
I don't wear push up bras
and I prefer to describe my look as androgynous.

Some people don't appreciate girls that look like boys
or even boys that look like girls. Who cares.
I love you for who you express yourself to be.

day 246

my toes feel sleepy
and back feels steeped
pouring hard work out through my fingertips.
is there a way to write poetry without sounding so depressing.


(how do I even come up with this shit)

(hahaha)

day 245

Working a morning shift is fucking exhausting.
Draining.
The money is good, but people
are too needy.
I WANT THIS
I WANT THAT

excuse me,
can you
blah blahblah blah BLAH.
It's like working on the set
of a Charlie Brown's classroom scene.
I am so annoyed.

day 244

Today
I will have been in my classes
for one full week
for the first time
in almost a month.

But I can honestly say
in that one month
I've learned far more than I could have ever learned
sitting at a desk
being a one to 30 ratio
classroom.
I am still learning.


...
That I want to hurry up and get out of here.

day 243

Slept with smokey eyes over easy
with dirty sandal toes
And a hint of lovers retreat over my body
Easy and simple to love someone so pure
Not too difficult to love someone
who isn't.

***
The summer heat reminds me of making love to the girl who broke my heart, during last summer's heat.

day 242

The lover would rather love me the most when
he feels threatened
by a good friend of his
who is questioning his true intentions
for me
of me
of how strongly he loves me
and when a new lover could appear
a stronger, more intense intention
appears
and when a past lover could appear
he makes sure
I don't disappear
love runs on

day 241

Slowly remembering my second life

1. My best friends asked me today
   Why don't you talk about your art life
   What you do is fucking awesome
2. I slammed for the first time in ages. I'm not sure if I love the slam scene as I used to, or as I didn't, but it was something worthy. My words have some sort of effect on people. On strangers.
3. I can score as low as a 29.2 and as high as 29.4. This makes me nervous, and eager to warm up more quickly.
4. I wonder if I can get perfect scores. I wonder if the girl in the back row, looked at me with eyes of admiration, because she thought my words were powerful. Or because I am beautiful.
5. Feeling beautiful like I should.

day 240

Feet feeling sore
 I hope they will wake up soon
 so I can go to bed.

I am proud of myself.
  I am bringing my life back together
   and I am so proud of myself.

day 239

When I get home from work
 I smell like ten different scents.
 Most of them are gross


okay,
all of them are gross.

But I also smell like
hard work
responsibility
and discipline. Sometimes
I get afraid that my
sarcastic manner
would get in the way
of business. It turns out
I am just fine
just the way I am.
If not,
I am making enough wealth
to smile and pay my dues.

day 238

I have cold feet.

Not sure if this is
a metaphor
for
all the times I've met
a situation I wanted
to excuse myself
from.
  But life isn't like a dinner time argument.


This is why I prefer to eat dinner
over a television rerun.

day 237

Want to embrace every waking second with you
  Holding you in between lost moments
   Do you know that I will love you always

   always.

Miss days of missing you during the day
Just want to be in the dark again
   summer time warmth, no curfew
   This is where we spend the most memories
priceless
Under dimmed out dawn skies
I will still love you when we are awake

day 236

I wonder when I'll stop being so
exhausted
all the time.
It gets tiring to even





zzz

day 235

The main causes to my unhappiness:

1. Slow and painless recovery from pneumonia
2. Strong case of laziness
3. The feeling when your hair grows out and is stuck in an ugly stage for a while
4. No sleep
5. Too much sleep
6. Not enough motivation to inspire

Reasons behind my happiness tonight:

1. Slow and painless journey back to happiness
2. Strong case of determination
3. I need to be more patient
4. No sleep
5. Enough sleep
6. I have all the support in the world

day 234

Thunderstorm- thunderstorm
You are bellowing
hoping to shake sense out of lost lovers
 Wake them up in a make believe utopia
 This is how they'll fall in love
Maybe for the first time,
the second,
maybe even the last.

Hopefully the last.

I am silently shouting to keep our ties together

day 233

I hope I am as committed as my mind tells me to be
Starting to feel my heart grow weaker
 not fonder
 Every day without my lover seems to go by quicker

Is this a good thing?
Does time freeze while I'm with you
 or does all life drag on,
 slowly
             ?

 feel like spilling salt over
 call it an accident
 Throw my heart over my right shoulder
 just to see what's left

Days like these make me worried
I want to love you
with an open mind
Do not want to leave doors open for too long
 There are far too many strangers I can fall in love with